Many years ago, around 200 or so years ago, actually, there was a battle. A really big battle, with soldiers, and cannons, and shooting , and lots of people getting shot. This battle took place in Europe, and it involved a few countries including France, and Great Britain.
France, lead by the evil genius French Emperor , Napoleon, and his cronies, fought Great Britain, and their cronies, lead by this Duke Wellington person.They fought at this place called Waterloo, and they fought hard. Or something.
Wellington and the Brits were victorious, and in doing so, he had this meat and pastry dish named after him. Or so goes the legend.
The truth of the matter is no one for sure really knows where the Wellington came from. Was it named after him, was it named after the type of boots he and his troops wore? Was it invented in New Zealand? No one really knows, but the story pervades to this day that it is named after the victorious Duke.
Napoleon had a dessert named after him, apparently, but that is a story for another time.
The Wellington, beef, or otherwise, is basically some dead animal wrapped in a puff pastry.If you watch enough Hell’s Kitchen, you know that professional jerk chef Gordon Ramsay is obsessed with them, and they often pop up on many cooking shows. I watch cooking shows, so I see this. Do not question me on this.
So, one day, a light bulb popped into my head, and I thought to myself, I could veganize this.Sure, why not? So, I did.
But, where does one begin? Oh, that is right. You will need puff pastry. Sure, they sell some vegan puff pastry, and if you are lucky you will find it, but what if you are as lucky as Napoleon at Waterloo? You have none to buy? Well, it is rather easy to make,so just make some.
This is a two day project, mainly waiting for important components to be ready, and some actual time preparing.It is no last minute meal, but the hard work is worth it.
Okay, let’s make some.
Puff Pastry Ingredients.
- 1 and a half cups of all purpose flour.
- 1/2 a cup of high gluten flour.
- 1/2 a cup of Earth Balance shortening.
- 3/4th a cup of Earth Balance butter. I used the sticks variety.
- 6 tablespoons of ice cold water.
- A few dashes of kosher salt.
- 2 teaspoons of lemon juice.
I tend to prefer mixing in bowls, as I often say, often ignoring my pretty yet rarely used kitchenaid mixer. I know, I know, I just simply enjoy getting my hands messy for some reason. But, this time I did use it, and so you could, too. Or, just a bowl and mixer, or whatever.
I cut up the shortening and butter into tablespoon sized pieces, and put that with the flours in the mixer, and mixed that for a few minutes, then adding the ice water, salt and lemon juice, till it had made a sticky-ish dough.
Place a piece of parchment paper down on a flat surface, place the ball of dough on the parchment paper, and cover with another piece of parchment paper.
Okay, now roll out the dough till it is about 2 inches by 14.It should be relatively thin, though to be honest I did not measure it.So I will not give you an exact measurement.
Lightly flour another spot, nearby, and removing the top parchment paper, flip it onto the floured surface, and then remove the other parchment paper.
Cut the dough into a rectangle if it is not already in that shape, and fold it so it is now 14 inches long but only about 4-5 inches wide.
Now fold and roll it up till it is 4inches or so by 4 inches, or so.
Now, with a hand or roller, flatten the dough till it is about half an inch or so thick.Cover with plastic and let it cool it in the fridge. I would say at least an hour , or two, but I just let mine sit in the fridge overnight.
You have made the puff pastry for the Wellington, or for whatever else you wanna use it for.We can move on.
Now, I have to admit, I am no Wellington expert, and so I did some reading, here and there, and came up with one that would have a “Beef” and it would be wrapped in a ” Prosciutto” and Duxelles.
What the fuck are Duxelles? It is like a mushroom paste/pate.Or so I hear, as I thought the same fucking thing as you most likely did.
- 2 cups of mushrooms, bella, whatever.
- Half a cup of onions.
- 2 teaspoons of thyme.
- 1 teaspoon of balsamic vinegar.
- 3 tablespoons of olive oil.
- 2 tablespoons of Earth Balance butter.
- A few dashes of kosher salt.
- Teaspoon or two of ground pepper.
Stick the onions, mushrooms, thyme, balsamic vinegar , and one tablespoon of oil in a processor until it is finely chopped.Heat the remaining oil and butter in a pan, over medium heat, and add the mushroom mixture to the pan, and cook for about ten or so minutes, till most of the liquid is gone.Now, add the salt and pepper, stir, and place in a bow. You can leave this out, or place in fridge till you need it.
As for the Prosciutto, I came up with a fairly simply idea, and it worked out pretty well. You will need some of those vegan bacon bits.
- Half a cup of “bacon” bits.
- Enough water to barely cover the bacon bits in a small bowl.
- Half a cup of vital wheat gluten.
- 1 teaspoon of garlic powder.
- 1 teaspoon of onion powder.
- 3 teaspoons of smoked paprika.
I soaked the bits in water over night, you should soak them for a good few hours in the very least.
Once again, in your trusty processor, pour in your bacon bits with the water, and try and break them down as much as possible, the smoother the puree the better.Now, add in the remaining ingredients, and use your processor as basically a mixer.
Place some parchment paper on a flat surface, placing the gluten mix on top, then covering with another piece of parchment paper, and roll and flatten out this mix till it is as flat as you can get it.It will not get as flat as real Prosciutto, but that is how life is. It will be fine.
Now we must make the center, the ” beef” part of the Wellington. I wanted something a bit more tender, so I added lentils.
” Beef” Ingredients.
- Half a cup of cooked lentils.
- 3/4s cup of vital wheat gluten.
- 1 tablespoon of steak sauce.
- 1 tablespoon of mimiccreme.
- 2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce.
- 1 teaspoon of garlic powder.
- 2 teaspoons of onion powder.
- Few dashes of table salt.
- Few dashes of ground pepper.
- 2 teaspoons of molasses.
Process the cooked lentils till they are a puree, and then toss them in a bowl.Add all the remaining ingredients, and mix with your hands.Form into a thick sausage-like shape, then roll the prosciutto around it, trimming if you need to.Try and seal up the edges with your hands and a little bit of water, if need be.
Then, wrap in tinfoil. Make sure you wrap it tightly, as you do not wish for the seitan to grow too large when steaming. I even added some kitchen twine, so this would not happen.
bring a pot of water with your steamer to a good boil, medium or a bit lower heat, and add the tinfoil wrapped seitan.Steam for about 45 minutes, adding water when you need to.
You can unwrap it from the tinfoil, and pre-heat your oven to 425 degrees.
You have no made all the components, and it is now time to put it all together and cook it.Huzzah, yay, or whatever your general term of excitement is.
Now, if you wished to make your own “beef” recipes, or have some other ideas, you probably could have skipped to this part.Maybe I should have mentioned it. My bad!
Take your puff pastry out of the fridge, and lay it out flat on a surface. You will notice it is not as sticky as when you placed it in the fridge.Cool, huh?
Spoon duxelles onto the puff pastry, spreading it out thinly across its entire surface.Place the “beef” into the middle of the puff pastry, then proceed to roll the pastry, somewhat snugly around the “beef”. Pinch in the ends, and seal them, as well as sealing up the edge that runs along the entire rolled pastry.
Melt a few tablespoons of Earth Balance butter.Brush it entirely with the melted butter, and place it on a baking pan, edge side down.Slice a few slices into the top to allow steam to escape, and sprinkle some kosher salt on.
Cook in the oven for 45 minutes, or so, till the pastry is a nice golden brown.Remove from. oven and let it cool for about ten minutes, then slice up, and of course, eat.
This would be good with mashed potatoes, or roasted potatoes, I suppose. A good gravy would also be nice.But, that is your call, not mine. You can do whatever you want, especially if you went and spent the time making this for yourself. I guess.
I dunno about the Napoleon dessert, but I feel like as with Waterloo, Wellington got the better end of the stick this time, too.
I am a chaotic cook.Can I even call myself a cook? I tend to think that means like a professional cooking person.I do not know, but for the sake of this I will just call myself a cook.Anyways, I a ma chaotic cook, a whirling dervish of clouds of flour dust, stir stains and a cloud of seasoning and herbs floating the hemisphere of my kitchen.
But, the messes, the dirty dishes, it all can lead to something worthwhile, and beyond tasty.That is what happened, today.
Today’s messy fun was making some raviolis.I understand completely why many would just buy pre-made, and why omnivores would probably be perfectly fine with even a can of the. The work behind them is quite a lot.Staggering, really.Or something.
Anyways, here you have fried butternut squash raviolis. I doubt anyone will be hopping off to their kitchen to make them, especially after my selling you on them taking so much effort and work, and the mess that follows.But, eh, whatever.
I made my pasta dough with a combination of chickpea and semolina flour.It gave it a nice little flavor.
- 2 cups of semolina flour.
- 1 and 1/2 cups of chickpea flour.
- About a cup of water.
- 2 teaspoons of pepper.
- A few dashes of salt.
- 1 tablespoon of olive oil.
- 2 cups of pureed butternut squash.You can steam it till it is soft, then puree in a food processor.
- 1/2 cup of diced onion.
- 1 tablespoon of olive oil.
- 1/4th cup of vegan sour cream.
- 1 tablespoon of nutritional yeast.
- 1 tablespoon of vegan Parmesan cheese.I got this little shaker of it at my local store that sells a lot of vegan stuff.
- A teaspoon of nutmeg.
- A few dashes of salt.
- A few dashes of pepper.
- A cup of soy milk.
- 1 tablespoon of vinegar.
- 1 tablespoon of egg-replacer.
- A cup or two of panko breadcrumbs.
- Oil for frying.
Are you ready? I am not even sure I am ready to tell you how to do it, as it is making me tired just thinking about it.I would make a horrible car salesman.
Anyways, combine the chickpea flour and the semolina flour in bowl, add the pepper and salt, and then the water and oil.Mix and kneed the dough.Cover with a towel and let it sit and chill while you make the filling.OKay? Okay.
IN a pan, heat up the tablespoon of oil, and saute the onions till they soften up, add the squash, and then add the sour cream, salt, pepper, nutritional yeast, and the vegan parmesan.Stir, mix, do what you will , and let it cook a couple of minutes.You are done with your filling.
Now, I use a ravioli maker, but you can taste your time and roll out the dough and make your own shapes and make your own ravioli.I will not be helping you with that, sorry.
You can use google, it is very handy.
if you have a ravioli maker, just follow my lead.Roll out some dough on a floured surface, and when it is rolled out thin enough place it on your raviloi maker thingy.Fill in the craters with your filling, about a tablespoon, and proceed.Cover with another piece of rolled out dough, and continue till you have a bunch of raviolis.
I should add, when you are making them, you should really have a large pot of water boiling.So, you can cook them.Duh!
To cook them, place them in the boiling water, in small amounts, and when they pop up to the surface and lighten a bit in color, they are ready to go.I am rarely ready to go, ever.But. my food is. That makes no sense.
So, you have cooked your raviolis.Now we can make them super unhealthy and fry the tasty bastards.
Mix the soy milk with the vinegar, then stir in the egg-replacer.You will be doing this in a bowl, not a plate, as that would make a bit of a mess.In another bowl place your breadcrumbs.Heat up oil for frying in a pan, I would say about an inch and a half, or so.I heated mine up to medium heat.
Dunk the raviolis in the milk, then the breadcrumbs and place in your frying pan full of hot oil.Be careful, please.I fried about 4-5 at a time, cooking on each side or a few minutes.Just repeat till you have fried them all.Or, I fried some , and kept some others non-fried.
You will wanna know about that sauce, too? Okay.
Sage Butter Sauce Ingredients.
- 3 tablespoon of Earth Balance.
- 1 tablespoon of Sage.
- 1 tablespoon of flour.
- 3/4th cup of vegetable stock.
Okie dokie, first off, melt the butter down in a pan, then stir in the sage.Meanwhile, mix the stock and flour, and then add that to the melted butter and sage.Let it hit up, it will slightly thicken.Stir and stir well.
Place some ravioli on a plate, pour some sauce over it, top with some fresh parsley, and you have quite a tasty meal.I assure you.You should listen to me.
It is that time of year, again.Now, not the foliage, and no, not Halloween, oh and no, no no, not pumpkins.It is that time of year when the Boston Red Sox decide to rip open my soul, just a little more, poke around, stab a few times, pull out my heart, light it on fire, and put the flames by pissing on it.
Okay, it is also about pumpkins, Halloween, foliage, and so on.I guess so, anyways. It also means sweaters, which is basically my safety blanket. I feel safe and cozy under layers of sweeter and plaid shirts. That is me.Take it , or not.
If I met me, I would decide not to, but I have always been the self-worth lacking type of guy.I am a hit at parties.
So, yeah, Autumn…I dug myself out of my pillow fort, and found myself in my mad scientist lab, and came up with something completely seasonal, and holyfuckballs, completely yummy.I love when that happens.You will, too.
I was really happy how this came out, really pleased.I may be whatever I am, and I may live alone, and I may eat alone, and I will probably die alone, but I will eat tastier food than most of you bastards.So, I win, or not.
Anyways, off to the recipe segment of my ramblings.
- one Brick of tofu, broken up.
- About two cups or so of Pumpkin.You can do it yourself, or buy a can,This will be based on how lazy you feel that day.
- 1 tablespoon of olive oil.
- 1 teaspoon of nutmeg.
- 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon.
- A dash of thyme.
So, this is easy, you place all this in your processor, and guess what? Oh, you! You are the smart one. You can process it to be more ricotta texture, or a bit smoother, your call. Place aside.
Cream White Sauce Ingredients.
- 4 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- 3-4 tablespoons of flour.
- 3 cups of Soy or rice milk.
- 1 packet of yeast.
- 1/4 cup of chopped cashews.
- Additional chopped cashews for topping off the lasagna.
Melt the butter in a pan, and stir in the flour.once you have done this, pour in the milk and stir on occasion till it begins to thicken, you may now remove from heat.Add the yeast, and chopped cashews and process in your processor for a few moments.
Cook or prepare your lasagna pasta, if it needs to be boiled first, or can just be placed in over, and pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees.
Get your baking pan, and layer out a layer of the sauce, followed by some lasagna pasta, followed by the pumpkin ricotta.Do this twice, and then add chopped cashews..Reap the entire process.
Cover the pan, bake for 45 minutes, remove the cover and cook for another ten minutes.Garnish with some cranberry sauce that tastes great if you take a bite of both at the same time, I promise you.
Yeah, so there you go.
First I made vegan cheez-its, now I made vanilla coke cupcakes with cherry vanilla frosting.Perhaps I am suicidal, or just enjoying buying new pants, for if I keeping making such treats, I will surely need new pants.
I could say I am just making myself into a smaller scale living, breathing model of Olympus Mons, one of Jupiter’s satellites.I think it is Jupiter, I could be wrong.Maybe one of you kind souls could in-fact tell me, or perhaps, I could just google it.Fuck that, I will just assume I got it right.
You see, with making such deliciousness, I may be a bit braggy.Or cocky.But, whatever! They are tasty.And yes, I just kind of said cock.Sue me.
Alright, alright, I will get to the recipe.First off, when I was but a young, happy, bouncy child, whenever I had a bit of a tummy ache , my mama would give me cola syrup.I am not sure it ever worked, but I certainly enjoyed drinking it more then that pink nightmare, pepto- dismal.Play on words intended.
I think you could use that, it is found in a drug store, if you ask.Or, you can order one online from numerous places.It is basically the cola, without the fizz.
- 2 cups of flour.
- 3 tablespoons of cola syrup.
- 1 tablespoon of vanilla.
- Half a cup of sugar.
- Teaspoon of baking powder.
- Teaspoon of baking soda.
- A couple pinches of salt.
- 1/2 cup of Earth Balance.
- Tablespoon or two of soy milk, you will see when you get there.
Firstly, let us get this cupcake party started by grabbing a couple bowls.In one, mix the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.In number two; Blend the Earth Balance and the sugar.Once that is done, add your vanilla, and cola syrup.
Now, slowly mix in the flour, adding a bit of soy milk as you go.Do not over do it, but make sure you have a nice wet batter, but not too wet! That make no sense? Yeah, it does not, whatever.
You should have already put your little cup cake liners in your cupcake pan, but if not, do that now.
Pour, spoon, drop, whatever, your batter into the liners, about 3/4th of the way up.
Bake them in your oven at 350 degrees, for about 15 minutes.You can check them with a toothpick.You know the drill with that, I hope.
- 1/4th cup plus one tablespoon of Earth Balance.
- 1/4th cup plus one tablespoon of Vegetable shortening.
- 2-3 cups of confectioners sugar.
- 2 tablespoons of vanilla.
- 2 tablespoons of cherry juice.
Okay, I am not good at frosting things, first of all.So if you plan on judging my poor skills in the frosting world;Screw you.Second, I kind of made this frosting up as I went with the cherry, so if yo have a better idea, go for it.Though, I really did enjoy the frosting.
Anyways…Blend your shortening and Earth Balance, then put in your vanilla syrup, as well as the cherry juice.I just took mine from the jar my cherries came in.Is that cheating? Maybe.
Now, mix in the sugar, one cup at a time, blending well.It should slowly become nice and creamy.I hate that phrase, but I suppose it works here.
You could add a little soy milk if you wished, I did not,but you could.I frosted the cooled cupcakes, then topped them with cherries to make them look pretty.I know, very artistic.
These came out well, with just a nice hint , but not an overbearing taste of pop in them.That is probably good, as I am not sure my mind and soul could take a cupcake that fully tasted like vanilla cola.
I do not miss dairy much, at all , since I became a vegan.Mainly due to the fact that I am severely lactose intolerant.Yes, you have found me out, I am a diary bigot!
I know, intolerance is never acceptable.I am deeply sorry to have to admit to my bigotry.I truly, and again, deeply regret that.
But,I had a point, what was it? Oh, yes.I do not really miss dairy, other then one thing.No, not the pizza, as I have and do make some rather yummy vegan pizzas.No, it is much more sinister, darker, then pizza.
Cheez-its.Yes, you know them; Those shadowy, orangey , squares of cheese and salt, that beckon some of even the most strongest of vegans.Yes, vegan drunkards around the globe have fought some urge at 3 am , at some point to rush to the local 7-11 or Store 24 and by a box.
You say you have not? Well, you sir, have a stronger mental will power then some of us, or just a good liar.I have never fallen to this urge, but you see them, and they haunt you, haunt you in your booze induced dreams.
Fine, maybe you do not, but you would enjoy some salty cheezy snack, anyways.Well, this is my first run, and it was a home run.
I hate to brag but someone has to, really.
WARNING: If you consider yourself a health nut, look away.NOW.
- Package of Daiya Cheddar.
- 2 and a half tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- Teaspoon of Kosher salt.
- Tablespoon of Paprika.
- Cup of flour.
- 2 tablespoons of cold water, may as well make it ice water.
- More Kosher salt to sprinkle on top of the crackers.
Are you ready? Are you fucking ready? Of course you are, as you are reading this post.I should just have realized that before that outburst.Sorry.
Okay, place the Daiya, Earth Balance,Paprika, and kosher salt into a processor.I think you know what is coming next.Yes, process it, till it becomes a solid-ish orange mush.
Now, pour drop the mix into a bowl, and stir in the flour and the ice water, and mix well.You could use a mixer , or blender, if you so desired.Your call, buddy.
Now, wrap it in plastic, or place it in a ziplock bag, and place it in the fridge.Let it cool a few hours, or even over night if you have the patience.
Some things to pass the time; Nap. drink, read a book, watch t.v. , invent something, lurk the internet.
Now, preheat your oven to 375 degrees, and grab some wax paper.Split the dough into several balls,and put all but one aside.Place it on the wax paper, and cover it with another piece of wax paper, and roll it out.Flatten it! Roll! The thinner the better, I would say mine was about 1/8th of an inch.
Now, these will be too fragile to move till they are cooked, so they will be cooked on this parchment paper.I tried to roll them out into a square or rectangle shape, to make the cutting easier.
Remove the top piece of parchment paper and find a knife, or a pizza cutter, or if you have one of those fancy pastry roller thingies you are even closer to a cheez-it look.Cut out your square shapes.I then used a metal flat spatula to make a touch of space between each square, because, as I stated; You cannot really move these till they are cooked.
When you have cut and “spaced ” them, place the parchment paper with the crackers on a pan.Repeat this process with all your dough till you have a few pans filled with crackers ready to be baked.
Poke a hole in the middle of each cracker, then top them with some sprinkling of the kosher salt.
Bake them, for about about 15 minutes.I switched the pan around at the 7-8 minute point.Now, be careful, as they can burn up in moments.
If they seem a bit too soft, here is what I did with the ones that seemed a little undercooked; I would cook them the 15 minutes, then separate those that needed separation, and places all three batches or so in a pile on a pan and baked for a few more minutes,stirring them often.
I was thinking of a clever name for them, and i have heard some good ones, but I do not know.Maybe I will be inspired, if not, that does not affect how they taste.
Which, yes, they were great.Yes, they were quite close to the real thing, and yes…Well, I do not know what that last “yes ” was going to be about.