Since the dawn of time, or rather since the dawn of me, I have had a bad temper, that was laced with real and often not real curse words.This temper mainly comes out over such awful events as when a chair or table leg decides to attack my innocent, poor toes. Instantly, my mouth opens with a rage filled diatribe of curse words and possibly made up words in my angry scolding of this cruel thing for attacking my toe and causing so much pain.

My mother tells me I certainly inherited this temper from my father, who apparently also raged against cruel pieces of furniture, shouting them down in an Irish accent, at that. It is no doubt where I probably first heard and took up such words as ” fuck” and another word that someone people do not like, so we will leave it at that.I was probably too young to hear such things, but I grew up fine.Clearly.

So, my mother would make pork chops, and when I was young, I kind of loathed them.I mean, I still do, as a vegan, but, you know what I mean. So, one night, I cursed the sky that I was to have them for dinner, referring to them as ” fucking pork chops”. It stuck. They soon became known simply as “fucking pork chops”. I suppose we had a liberated household where curse words, unless spoken against someone, were allowed.Again, I grew up fine.Shush.

So, I thought I would maybe resolve some anger issues with the cursed fucking chop, and make my own, out of seitan. I have seen Post Punk Kitchen’s and a few others, they inspired me a bit with what I was doing, though I basically just made my own seitan, and went from there.

Chop Ingredients
- 1 cup of of gluten.
- 1/4 cup of chickpea flour.
- 6 cups of vegetable broth.
- 1 packet of yeast.
- 2 teaspoons of onion powder.
- 2 teaspoons of garlic powder.
- 1 tablespoon of poultry seasoning.
- 1 tablespoon of celery salt.
- 1 teaspoon of sage.
- 1 teaspoon of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of oregano.
- 1 tablespoon of vegan Worcestershire sauce.
- 1 tablespoon of soy sauce.
- A few dashes of salt.
- A few dashes of pepper.

In a bowl, place the gluten, chickpea flour, and half the packet of yeast.In a large pan, place all the remaining ingredients.Mix them well, and once mixed, scoop out a cup of the broth and mix it with the dry ingredients.You may now add the remaining yeast to the broth, and heat it up at low/medium heat.Right in the middle, please.

Now back to the gluten, mix and form the gluten into a few cutlet shapes, place in the pan, and let simmer for 20 minutes, flip them, and let them simmer another 20 minutes.

I will add I am not sure if some of the odd things I do make any difference, but I do them, so if you wanna follow the recipe the way I made it, then you follow, too.

Okay, when they are cooked, pour them and the broth into a bowl or container, and let that cool. You wanna let them cool as you will be handling them, and I do not want you burning your precious paws.Well, I do not personally care, I just do not want any annoying lawsuits.Yeah.

Now, time for the breading and frying.

Batter ingredients.
- 4 cups of panko bread crumbs, ground up really well.
- 1/4th cup of oil.
- 1 teaspoon of oregano.
- 1 teaspoon of minced garlic.
- 1 teaspoon of onion powder.
- 1 teaspoon of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of thyme.
- 1 teaspoon of salt.
- 1 teaspoon of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of parsley.
- 1 teaspoon of celery salt.

Mix everything in a baggie, or in a bowl, but the baggie is easier.Then just mix well, or shake well.

Now, pour some oil in a frying pan,an inch or two.Heat the oil up to medium heat.Now, grab your cooled seitan. I cut mine so it would be thinner, and also cut the pieces into smaller chops.This gives you quite a few chops.Dunk them into the breadcrumbs, place in the hot oil and cook for 2-4 minutes on each side, remove to some paper towels, and then serve.You could also bake them, but I have not tried that, yet.

Now for the side, which you probably should have already begun, but I have not told you about till now. Now, I will.You do not have to make the side, I guess.But, if you do, here we go.

Roasted Potatoes and Apples Ingredients.
- 1 to 1 potatoes, peels and chopped up.
- 2 apples, peeled, cored, and chopped up.
- 1/2 an onion, chopped up.
- A few dashes of pepper.
- A dash of salt.
- A teaspoon of thyme.
- 3 tablespoons of olive oil.

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.Place all the ingredients in a bowl and mix well, then place on a baking pan.Bake them for twenty minutes, turn the pan, and stir the mixture.Cook for another 20 minutes, and there you have it.Easy, like me.