So, it is Halloween.
I made some cupcakes, and some pasta.
I am not sure I really feel like writing out any of these recipes, so this may be more just some photos, a story, and and maybe a recipe.Or not.I do not know, i am feeling very lazy.Sometimes, typing out ingredients is a drag.Okay, fine.You sold me on it, I will write them out.
Fine.
But, first I would like to relate a frightening tale about a fridge. Okay, it is not remarkably frightening, but I just feel like relating it.It is my blog,I will do what I want!
I would say about 8 or so years ago, when my grandmother passed away, we, as in my family, had to go through and clean out her house.It was this three floored Victorian house, with this really scary basement.You know that basement in ‘ Silence Of The Lambs’? This one may have been more frightening, and did indeed have a large hole, or old well in it, too.
I was the lucky one sent down into this cave of doom, this pit of hell, to clean it out.The, it got kind of fun, finding lots of cool things, including one of those really cool 1950′s style fridges.You know the kind, right? It was very cool looking, and I had hopes of maybe taking it, and restoring it.
That was the plan,until I opened it.You see, and I do not have a year or date on this, but whenever my grandparents had bought a new fridge, and put this old one in the basement was, they never removed any of the food in it.I shit you know, there was rotting food in jars, bags , oh it was horrendous.The scent alone was nightmarish. I clearly recall seeing an olives jar where all the olives had formed into one large super olive.
needless to say, we had to actually have professionals come in and take the fridge, as I am pretty much certain the fridge was a health risk, and probably could have been used as a biochemical weapon.
Now, does that not just inspire you to go and cook some food? Eh? Huh? Yeah, maybe not.
Cupcake Ingredients.
- 1/2 cup of Earth Balance butter.
- 2 cups of Brown sugar.
- 1 cup of peanut butter. I made my own, as I am awesome.You do not have to.
- 2 tablespoons of egg-replacer.
- 1 and a half tablespoons of cream of tartar.
- Half a teaspoon of salt.Maybe a touch less.
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 2 cups of flour.
- 2 cups of soy milk.
- 1 and a half tablespoons of vanilla.I tend to overdo it with vanilla.Sue me.
You can start off by preheating your oven to 350 degrees, and lining some cupcake pans.I always forget to do this and then have to do it after i have done all the mixing.
Mix the butter, brown sugar and peanut butter.Now you may add the egg-replacer, milk, salt, baking soda, vanilla and the cream of tartar.You can mix that, as you know, baking usually involves mixing things before you actually bake.
You can do that mixing thing again as you add in the flour.If you feel the batter is too thick or hard, just add a bit more soy milk.I kind of made these up as I go, so do not question my sanity.I am not sane.
Bake them for about twenty or so minutes, you can stab a toothpick into them to see if they are cooked, let them cool for a few in the pans, then moved them to a cooling rack.
Now, for the glaze or frosting, I kind of also was just making this up as I went.I wanted chocolate, but I wanted to be all fun and Halloween and make them orange.I kind of failed at this. I am used to failure, so I moved on.I lament the failure, then move on.The failure never happened.Never!
- 3-4 cups of powdered sugar.
- 2 tablespoons of coco powder.
- Half a cup of Earth Balance butter.
- 3 tablespoons of this all natural yellow food coloring I found at Whole Foods.Most food dyes are not truly vegan.
- 3 tablespoons or so of soy milk.
- 2 tablespoons of agar-agar.
- 1 tablespoon of light corn syrup.
- 1 tablespoon of orange juice.
Okay, so this was a crazed experiment, in the spirit of mad scientists and Halloween.IN a bowl, as bowls are more useful than say a plate, or a hat, mix the corn syrup, butter, coco powder soy milk, food coloring, orange juice and the agar-agar.Okay, I could have just said mix everything other than the powdered sugar.Which you will know do! The thickness is up to you, and that depends on how much E.B. you decide to use.
This glaze-ish dip is not healthy, by any means.I am pretty sure these cupcakes will remove about ten years off my life.
Okay, so now that your cooked cupcakes are cooled, you dip them into this concoction, then, and I should have told you this, sprinkle them with some chopped up chocolate.I chopped up some chocolate chips.
I then placed them in the fridge, a much cleaner and safer fridge than the one mentioned up above, and let them cool and harden a spell.
I then ate them.Well, one.For now, I may have another.You can judge me, if you want.
Okay, so I am a good boy, and made a pretty simple pesto pasta dish, and had that before I had my cupcake.I am not really all that good, but that sells well.Right?
Pesto Pasta Bake
- A box of pasta, cooked.You can do that, right?
- 3/4th a cup of pesto.I have plenty of pesto recipes on my bloggy blog, find one.
- Tablespoon of basil.
- Half a cup of sliced olives.
- 2-3 cups of diced tomatoes.
- Half a cup of Daiya Cheddar.
- 1 cup of Daiya Mozza.
This is easy, almost as easy as me.I am not easy at all, actually.But, anyways, You basically just mix all these fine ingredients in a bowl,minus maybe a fourth of a cup of the Daiya Mozza.Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and place this mixture into your favorite baking or casserole dish.Sprinkle the remaining Daiya Mozza on top, and bake for about 25 minutes.When you see the cheese melted, you are ready to go.
You are welcome, or something.
I was pondering life’s perplexities, and decided you have to call it at least a semi-decent day if you can have both cookies and crepes.I do not think that is a stretch, by any means.Do you?
Well, I do not, and you can think what you want, I suppose.
A bit of a background? I dunno, I picked perhaps the last of the plum tomatoes from my tomato plants in one of my gardens, today.I doubt I will have many more, as I think it will be hitting frost, even by tonight.
Shit, I am not supposed to date myself in posts, I think I read that on the internet, somewhere. Shit , one of you should have warned me.
Where was I? Oh, yes. So, I had these tomatoes, and needed to use them for something, right? Then, my mind magically came up with crepes, and pesto.How it did that is beyond me, my mind tends to be an enemy of mine. Well, the hamster on the wheel is an enemy, is a better description.So, why it would bless me with such a delightful idea,is maybe, well, beyond me.
And yes, I made cookies, too.These cookies are full of fat, really.So, if you are one those “I hate myself for eating these cookie” types…
Well, you are fucked, just eat a bunch and ride that self-loathing train of pleasure.
I will start with the crepes, k ? K.
Walnut Pesto Ingredients.
- 2 cups of fresh basil leaves.
- Handful or so of spinach.
- 1/2 cup of walnuts.
- 1/4th cup of lemon juice.
- 2 tablespoons of minced garlic.
- Dash or two of salt.
- Dash or two of pepper.
- 3 tablespoons of olive oil.
This part is easy for you.You get to toss it all in your processor and grind it all down, to your pesto.Simple, no?
Now heat up your pan, skillet, griddle pan, whatever, the thing you will cook your crepes on.
Crepes Ingredients
- 3/4th cup of flour.
- 1 tablespoon of egg-replacer
- 3 tablespoons of Earth Balance butter.
- 1 cup of soy milk.
- 1 tablespoon of olive oil.
- 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar.
- A couple dashes of salt.
- 2 teaspoons of tarragon.
- 2 teaspoons of parsley.
- Plum tomatoes, sliced thinly.
First, melt the butter! You can do that on the stove, or in a microwave, I really do not care! I am a bit excited, and I have no idea why.Anyways, in a bowl, mix the dry ingredients.Mixed ? Yeah? Okay, then proceed to mix the soy milk with the vinegar.This makes it kind of like buttermilk, for future references.
Now you may add the wet ingredients to your dry ingredients, and mix well.If you think it is a bit thick, add a touch of water, but add at your own peril.
Now, you pour about a fourth a cup for each crepe, making sure it spreads out, and you let them cook one or two minutes on one side, then flip and cook them on the other side. Repeat till you have a plate of crepes.
Now preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and line a baking pan or two with some tin foil.
Time for the filling, slice up some plum tomatoes, and grab that pesto you made.Layer some pesto on each crepe, then place some slices of the plum tomatoes.
Bake in the oven for around seven or so minutes, the edges of the crepes should just start curling up, and the tomatoes softened.
There you have it, walnut pesto and tomato crepes.I had like four of them, as I am a sick person.
Song break:.I have had this song stuck in my head all day,I love it, so now you can all suffer it, too.If I hear anyone mocking for liking the band Stars I will become quite defensive and possibly throw a tantrum, so behave.
Okay, time for the cookies.
Peanut butter cookies
- 1/2 cup of peanut butter.
- 1/4th cup of shortening.
- 1/4th cup of Earth Balance butter.
- 1 and 1/3rd cup of flour.
- 1/2 a cup of sugar.
- 1/2 cup of brown sugar.
- 2 teaspoons of vanilla.
- 1 tablespoon of egg-replacer.
- 2 tablespoons of water.
- 1 teaspoon of baking powder.
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
So, first you will wanna whip the butter, shortening, and the peanut butter.Oh, and I suppose preheat your oven to 375 degrees.
You should maybe use a blender for that, as it saves time, but I am not judging you if you do not.Now, add half of the flour and the remaining ingredients, and when they are mixed well, you know what to do? Mix in the rest of the flour. Duh! Mix and kneed the dough for a few moments, you want a good consistency.
So, I assume you have now grabbed your baking pans? No? What the hell are you waiting for?
Grab little balls of the dough, making one inch balls with them, place them on the baking pan, and press down with a fork, making a cookie shape. Repeat this numerous times till you have your pans filled with ready-to-go cookies.
Bake them in the oven for 9-11 minutes, remove form oven, and let them cool on racks.You have made peanut butter cookies.Now, you want that frosting? You do, of course.
if you have your own, feel free, or you can whip this one up fairly easily, I did.
Frosting
- 1/2 cup of chocolate chips.
- 2 tablespoons of shortening.
- 1 tablespoon of Earth Balance.
My god, I sound more and more like the male , vegan version of that scary woman from teevee,her name escapes me presently, the one that cooks everything in lard and shortening, and thinks frying just about anything tastes good.I agree with her, by the way.
Okay, I am rambling, as usual.Over low heat on your stove top, melt down the chocolate chips, stir in the shortening and butter, stir, and when it is melted and mixed well, remove from stove and pour into a bowl.Now, you could dunk the cookies in, or just frost them like a cupcake, or something.I will leave that up to you.
Paula Dean,that is who I was talking about! I knew it would come to me, sadly.
What makes a cake a tea cake? What is a tea cake?What makes cake so great? Why all the questions? I do not know, stop asking me. Alright, I have a guess.One could even argue it is an educated guess, eh? I doubt that, forget that.Anyways…That guess is that I am pretty sure if you are Lord or Lady Fancy-pants, you are supposed to have tea cake when you have your tea.Duh!
A cake you have with tea, when you have tea, or something.
That sounds as good a guess as anything.Yeah, yeah, I know.I could just google it, or maybe some smart-ass will do it for me and correct me.It does not really matter, I guess.It is a cake; A tasty, crumbly, delicious kind of cake.It is cake, people! Cake is king.
Also:I do not know if baking cakes in the middle of summer is properly seasonal- But the fruit makes it summery, right?
Ingredients.
- 10 ounces, half watermelon, half raspberry.Or, all raspberry or even strawberry.
- 2 tablespoons of starch.
- 2 and 1/4 cups of flour.
- 3/4th a cup of sugar.
- 1 tablespoon of Egg-Replacer.
- 1 cup of soy milk.
- 1 tablespoon of vinegar.
- 3/4th cup of Earth Balance.
- 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder.
- Couple pinches of salt.
For the fruit, I heated them up in a small pot or pan, over low-medium heat.I then pureed the fruit, and placed back on stove, and added the corn starch, till it begins to bubble and thicken.
Make sure not to spill it all over the place, like I nearly did.Sticky fruit is not something that likes to be cleaned up easily.
IN a large bowl,not like a giant bowl, but a good sized large bowl, mix the sugar and flour.Now, using a fork, mix in the Earth Balance till it all looks crumbly.Remove about half a cup of this and put aside.
Now in the main large bowl, add the baking soda, baking powder, salt, mix well, and make a small well in the middle.Why is it called a well? I see it as no source of water.
Anyways, in a small bowl mix the soy milk and the vinegar and let it sit a few minutes.Mix in the egg-replacer, and then add this wet mixture to your dry mixture.
Grease up a pie pan, or cake pan,whatever you decided on using.I do not care, really.Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.
Pour about two thirds of the cake batter into the pie pan.Top that, carefully with a layer of the fruit, and then cover that with the remaining cake batter.Now sprinkle that half a cup of dry batter I told you to put aside.That should do it.
Pop in the oven, let it cook 30-35 minutes, stab it with a toothpick to see if its ready, and let it cool 15 minutes after you are done baking it.
You are welcome.
I want you to close your eyes and join me on a magical ride to imagination land, okay? If you are scared, well too bad.Alright, fine.I can hold your hand if need be.So, here we are.A fluffy, wonderful, exciting land of vegan foods; Fruits, veggies, cakes, pies,cookies, and so on.This land, there are no animals, just the crap I just mentioned.
Now, imagine if there was a lonely apple pie who really wanted a date, something to share time with, just like many of us loser humans! They had gone on a few dates with a cake, thanks to pressure from their pie mother, but it had not worked out.Frankly pie and cake relationships do not last very long.
But then, one day, out of the blue, the apple pie met a cookie, and they fell in love, and decided to to spend their lives together.
How fucking romantic, huh? Or perhaps: How fucking insane an idea that just was and what the hell am I talking about?
Well, fine, this is is what I am talking about:Their love child, a mix of apple pie and cookie.There, now you know, and all the magic of that special bond is now gone, and I really do not know how I can go on now, but I will do my best.
I do not really know what is the best name for this, but it sure was tasty, and that is perhaps more important than some eye catching name.Of course, that is also probably why 2 people read this blog, if that.
Okay, that is a lie, I have a pretty good amount of readers, even if most of them never comment, or whatever.Anyways, that really has nothing to do with anything, so I will just get to the recipe.
Ingredients
- 1 cup of flour.
- 7 tablespoons of earth balance.
- 1/4th cup of sugar.
- 4 apples, peeled, cored, chopped.Somewhat small, please.
- 3/4 cup of brown sugar.
- 3 tablespoons of lemon juice.
- 1 tablespoon of cinnamon.
- 1 teaspoon of nutmeg.
- 1/2- 3/4th cup of chopped walnuts.
- 1/4 cup of flour.
- 7 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- 1/4 cup of sugar.
- 1 cup of flour.
First, if you are observant, and perhaps you will note that the first three ingredients are the same as the last three.That is not a typo, that is for both layers of the cookie part of this , but make them separately.
PLease, please, please, pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.Now, grab a bowl, mix 1/4th cup of sugar with the 7 tablespoons of Earth Balance.Really whip it good, like the Devo song.Stir in the flour, till it becomes quite crumbly.
grab an 8 inch by 8 inch pan, and fill it with the mixture, making it evenly spread, and pat it down.Baking in the oven for about 12 minutes, till you just start to see the edges browning, but only slightly.
Meanwhile, in those 12 minutes, combine the apples, nutmeg, cinnamon, lemon juice, brown sugar, 1/4th cup of sugar, and mix that well.layer that on top of the cooked cookie crust that you have now baked for 12 minutes.
Now, I baked this for 10 minutes, then added the second layer of cookie crust and cooked a further ten minutes, and I do not know if that makes much of a difference.So, you could cook it either way, I think.
That sounds confusing.
Damn.
Alright, so bake the cookie crust for 12 minutes, add the layer of the pie filling, and bake another ten minutes.Then, add the top layer of cookie crust and bake another 10 or so minutes.That clears up the confusion, I think.
Anyways, there you have it.
I was not going to post this recipe, as it has actually inspired something ( I think) that will be even tastier, and thus win over more vegan hearts on my long and difficult path to be some famous vegan cooking guru.
But, a post is a post, and it has been a while, and it is not like these were not fantastic.They were, I just think the next idea or two could be mucho better.By the way, that is me showing you that I am bilingual, and thus smart, or something.On a side note,I just used thus twice, well now three times, that is a bit excessive.
I should back it up a bit, and say that who winning over vegan hearts to become rich and powerful is not a goal.Though, if anyone wanted to pay me to cook for them, or pay me to write long rambling recipes for them, I would not complain.Well, I might complain, but that is just my nature.
You know that old story about the scorpion, and the fish, or whatever, and the kind swimming critter brings the scorpion over to the other shore, and the scorpion stings and kills the kind swimming critter? Then uses some shitty defense of it being it’s nature? Well, same thing applies here.I am a complainer, it is in my nature.
I am pretty sure what I have just wrote has nothing to do with this
recipe.
Ingredients.
- 7 tablespoons of Earth Balance, or some other vegan butter I do not use.
- 1/4th cup of sugar.
- 1 cup of flour.
- 1 tablespoon of Egg Replaser.
- 3 tablespoons of vanilla.
- 1/2 cup soy milk.
- 1 teaspoon of salt
- 1 cup of brown sugar.
- 1/2 cup of flour.
- 1 cup of coconut shreds.
- 1/2 cup of almond slivers.
Mix the first three ingredients in one bowl, we shall call that bowl number1.You do have bowls, as we have already gone over this in prior posts.Mix the remaining ingredients in what we shall call bowl number 2.I would go in the order that I listed them, but whatever.
While you are feverishly doing this, as in working hard, not as in you have a fever, as you should be in bed if you are ill.I do care, sometimes.But, before I digress further, preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
Alright, bowl bowls mixed?Find yourself a 9 inch by 9 inch baking ban, like one for brownies.Take bowl number one, and place that mixture in the pan, patting it down, so its even and about an inch thick across the entire pan.Place the pan in the oven and bake for 15 minutes, or so.You just want to see it starting to brown, a little.
Once it has baked, remove from the oven, and layer on what you mixed in bowl number two.You should have two distinct layers, now.Place back in the oven and bake another 20-25 minutes.
Remove from oven, let them cool a spell, and cut into squares.Then, proceed to eat them.If you want, it is still a free country.
“It is as easy as pie.”
I have to admit, right off the bat, that I am not a fan of that expression.It is highly dubious.Have you ever made pie? It can be a time consuming affair.Sure, you could just buy a pre-made crust and then say you made yourself a pie, easily.But, isn’t that like buying a whole bunch of potted vegetable plants, planting them, and then calling yourself a farmer?
I do not even call myself a farmer, and I start from seed.I also do not go around calling myself a cook, or a baker, even if I make my own pie crusts,as I am neither.I am just a person who bakes or cooks things; Sometimes they come out well, sometimes they do not.
Anyways, I was talking about pies, wasn’t I ? Yes, as I was saying, before you distracted me with your bold claims, I was discussing how making a pie is not always all that easy.But, I wanted to make a pie, and so I made a pie.Pie tends to not get the respect that cake or cupcakes get, it is less loved then those two bastions of the baking world, or so it seems.
On a side note, a related one for a change, I have a gloriously abused, used, vintage copy of Better Homes and Gardens cookbook.It was released, or at least this edition, when I was but sperm and egg.Yes, it is quite archaic.It is totally not a vegan cookbook, nor is it even remotely vegan- friendly other then there may or may not be vegetables used in some of the recipes.None the less, it truly is my cooking bible.
What is cute about the book is its use of the phrase “salad oil” when calling for olive oil, or how every other recipe seems to call for using shortening.Paula Deen, eat your heart out.She probably would, after she fried it in shortening.
Anyways, they have lots of pie recipes, and I thought I wold give a stab at making one of them, well a veganized version, as it were.I do not even remotely claim this is like the real thing, as I cannot even recall if or when I have had a meringue pie, so it is what it is.
I just went for something that I thought was similar, and went with that.Here is a fun pie joke before we get to the recipe:
Pie Crust Ingredients.
- Package of coconut cookies, or make your own, you will need 36 or so of them.
- 7 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
You will wanna grind down the cookies, till they are but dusty reminders of the proud cookies they once were.Melt the butter, and mix the melted butter well into the cookie crumbles.Grab your pie pan,and mold a pie crust with the cookie mixture.Not too thick, not too thin, then place in the fridge and let it cool and set for a couple hours.
See, I was going on and on about how hard making a pie crust could be, but this time it is fairly simple, so perhaps my whole derision of that “easy as pie” phrase was uncalled for.Maybe.
Pie Filling Ingredients.
- 1 cup of sugar.
- 1/3 cup of flour.
- 1 teaspoon of salt.
- 2 cups of soy milk.
- 1 cup of cocoa powder.
- 1 tablespoon of Egg Replacer.
- 3 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- 1 tablespoon of vanilla.
In a pan, pot, whatever, mix the sugar, flour, salt, egg replacer, and milk.Cook over medium heat till you have a nice gentle boil.Stirring, as it cooks, cook for a few minutes.
Remove from the heat, and mix in the butter and vanilla.You have now made your filling, isn’t that wonderful?
Tofu “Meringue” Topping Ingredients.
- Brick of tofu, I would say press it, as no meringue should really taste like tofu juice.
- 2 tablespoons of vanilla.
- 1 tablespoon of cream of tartar.
- 1/3 cup of sugar.
- 1/2 cup of soy milk.
- Cinnamon.
Now, any meringue people out there that make this and say its not that close, or whatever, you can just save yourself the time now.I just wanted something similar, for looks, and I know its white, and creamish-yet solid, yet sweet, blah, blah , blah.
This pie could also be easily made, and still delicious without this part, and just served with some vegan whipped cream.It may even be better that way, who knows?
I am thinking I would like to play around with this part more, and maybe include agar-agar.That could work well, but I am an agar-agar novice, so we shall see.Anyways…
Place all the ingredients, minus the milk and cinnamon in your processor, and well, process it.Slowly pour in your milk as it processes, till you have a thick, creamy, white , sweet goo.
Grab your pie crust, and fill it with the chocolate filling.
Then, top off that with your “meringue” filling.You can make fancy looking swirls or designs, I just made this one flat, as I was just trying all this out.Sprinkle some cinnamon on top, if you want.
Turn your oven on to 375 degrees, let it heat up if you have not pre-heated, and bake the pie for about 20 minutes, just till you start to see hints of the tofu browning.
Let it sit and cool, I placed mine in the fridge, and let it chill, and found it to be perfect when chilled. I would bet my left leg it is probably even better the next day.
Alright, so this pie was fairly easy, and came out alright.So, maybe this pie is easy,but I still do not like that expression, and i am sticking with that.You can make up your own minds.But, if you did not get that pie joke up above, or do not think it is funny, then maybe you cannot make up your own mind.Who knows?
I think every damned vegan likes one thing, and can only agree on this one thing.Usually, vegans can’t never agree on much of anything, from if they like tofu or tempeh more, and so on and so on.Vegans are a pain in the ass.I should know, I am a vegan.
I am such a contrarian, I probably would disagree with you about the sky being blue if caught in the right mood.By ” right mood” I mean if you talked to me, at just about any time.
But, past the disagreements on vegan ideas, vegan politics, beyond all that crap, there is one thing most vegans will agree on.Cupcakes are fucking awesome.
Ingredients.
- 1/2 cup of Peanut butter.
- 1/3 cup of shortening.
- 2 cups of flour.
- 1 and 1/2 cup of brown sugar.
- 1 tablespoon of Egg Replacer.
- 1 teaspoon of baking powder.
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 1 cup of soy milk.
Preheat your oven to 375 degrees, and line your cupcake pans with liners.Blend and mix the peanut butter and shortening, then mix in the brown sugar.
Now, mix in the egg replace, baking powder, and the baking soda.Then, add half the flour, with half of the soy milk, blend well, and then add the remaining flour and milk.See, I do not lead you astray, this is simple.
Now fill the cupcake liners about half way, bake for 15-20 minutes, poke one with a toothpick to see if they are cooked, and there you have it.
Let them cool, then you may frost them.
Frosting Ingredients.
- 1/4th cup of Earth Balance.
- 1/4th cup of shortening.
- 1/4th cup of cocoa powder.
- 2-3 cups of confectioners’ sugar.
- 1/4th cup of Better’n Peanut Butter.
Blend, mix, whatever, the Earth Balance and shortening.Mix in the cocoa powder, and the confectioners’ sugar.You should have a nice thick frosting.Frost the cupcakes with that frosting, I used a zip-lock bag with a little hole, and then I used another baggie and put a little swirl with the Better’n Peanut Butter.That stuff works well, as it is less thick as regular peanut butter.
So, yeah, cupcakes.We can agree on that, can’t we? Cupcakes are good? I mean these fucking cupcakes taste like a peanut butter cup in cupcake form, who could hate that?
My kitchen has been in a whirling dervish for the past few days, as I seemed to be trying to one-up myself with each meal.If this was a cartoon, you would see just a cloud of smoke ,pots, pans, spoons emerging and vanishing back into the cloud, as I whipped up cookies, sorbet, and a few meals.
These kind of days can be immensely fun, and fulfilling, literally, and figuratively, I suppose.The only problem is I do not have a washing and cleaning staff, my dishwasher is on the fritz, and so that means I have to do all the clean-up.
The Horror! Me doing manual labor? These hands were made for molding beauty, not scrubbing grease off plates!I have elitist hands, finely cared for, finely manicured, loved all these years with special care; The care including not too much manual labor, for who wants some ugly callus?
I know, I know, I should probably not even be typing this, I should be resting my precious digits after all that cleaning, scrubbing , and general torment I put my poor hands through.
But, there is a reason, and that reason is pure, and good, my friends.Well, readers, I should not be so bold as to call you friends, you could have distaste for me, who knows? But, perhaps, these two sweet things that I offer you , today, could possible sweeten your outlook on me?
That was a weak grab for being liked, wasn’t it? Fine, forget it.Just read on, forget I said that, and have a go at these cookies.
They are my best attempt at a chocolate chip cookie,ever, and they are by far the unhealthiest.That is probably why they taste so good.Nothing good ever has that same feeling as some sugar and fat coursing through your veins, and eventually clogging those veins, apparently.
I am a horrible salesman, I should just shut up.
But, I will, and again, I am going to use a horrible pun, I will sweeten the deal with not only a damned good chocolate chip cookie recipe, but I am gonna throw in an amazing strawberry sorbet, as well.
See, I love you still, despite our awkwardness.
Chocolate Chip Cookies Ingredients.
- 1/2 cup of Earth Balance.
- 1/2 cup of shortening.
- 1/2 cup of brown sugar.
- 1/2 cup of sugar.
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 1 tablespoon of egg replacer.
- 2 tablespoons of vanilla extract.
- 2 tablespoons of soy milk.
- 2 and a half cups of all purpose flour.
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, as clearly I am not one of those raw people, and you need an oven to bake the cookies.
Alright, now blend the shortening and Earth Balance.Again, Earth Balance does not pay me to use their product, I just use it a lot, as I am a pig.But, they could pay me, if they are reading this, I am capable of selling out.
Once they are blended, add the sugars, and mix that well.Toss in the vanilla extract,baking soda, egg replacer, and the milk.Mix that well.
Now, you may add the flour, I added a bit a time, making mixing and blending easier, again, I do not own a blender.So, yeah I use a spoon, more work for my poor hands.
You probably should spray or grease some baking pans.
These cookies, well, they deserve love, so do not just plop some dough on the pans.I molded mine, with love, and the deepest care, with my hands, formed cooking shapes, and then placed them on the pans.
They will grow a bit like most cookies, but not enough , I do not think, if you just plop them on the pan with a spoon, so don’t!
Bake for 15 minutes, just till you start to see a little browning, or darkening around the edges, and then let them cook on baking racks.
Now it is time for that promised sorbet.See, I keep my word, sometimes.
Strawberry Sorbet Ingredients.
- 1 cup of water.
- 1 cup of sugar.
- 2 cups of frozen strawberries, no stems, or green stuff!
- 1/2 cup of soy milk.
Put the water in a pot, with the sugar, and bring to a boil.The sugar should begin to dissolve into the water.Now, pour in your strawberries and milk.Lower your heat to a gentle simmer, and let it simmer for ten minutes, or so.
Dig out your processor, or pull it out, whatever.Process everything till it is a thick liquid, like a smoothie! Pour into a freezer safe bowl, and let it freeze.
Once it has frozen, you will want to process it once again, and then allow it to free once more.There, you just made a strawberry sorbet, aren’t you a peach?
Now, back to my hands; I suppose even cooking puts a toll on them, I have more scars, burn marks, then a 16 year old goth cutter, but, somehow I do not mind the cooking with them, just the washing and cleaning.Why am I telling you this?
No idea.
I am going to discuss something quite serious, and I do hope that you can maintain some semblance of seriousness when I ask this question; Who does not completely, absolutely, without any doubt, love cake?
If you answer with anything that even remotely or vaguely sounds like a ” I do not love cake” , and I do mean even remotely close, then step out of my office.Now.
Close the door behind you, there are people in this room who love cake and do not want your negative anti-cake energy ruining their enjoyment of cake.
I cannot stress that enough.
I would also like to say this cake was made in a spur of a moment kind of thing, and I had to use whole wheat flour, as I was all out of all-purpose flour.It kind of worked, well more then kinda, the cake was as yummy as watching an enemy co-worker fail in their presentation to the boss.All kinds of deliciousness.I am an evil person, you might say.But, an evil person who loves cake.
Yes, I am swooning over a cake.Get over it.
Ingredients.
- 3/4th cup of Earth Balance.
- 3/4th cup of sugar.
- 1 cup of coconut milk.
- 2 cups of whole wheat flour.
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 1 teaspoon of baking powder.
- 6 tablespoons of soy milk.
You will need some bowls and spoons.You could also use a blender, if you have one, I do not at the moment, so do not rub that in, or I may begin to dislike you.
In one bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, and baking powder.You can now grab the other bowl, and blend the sugar with the butter.Add the coconut milk, and mix that in as best you can.
Grab the flour mix, and add half that to the bowl with half the soy milk, and blend or mix that, followed by the remaining half of flour and soy milk.
You have now made your cake batter.You will now, and I am sure you already know this, need to bake the cake batter, so that it indeed becomes cake.
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.Select what shape or whatever cake pan you will be using.I wanted a square cake, so I had to bake my two pieces, one at a time, as I only have one.I poured half the batter into the pan, and baked for about 30 minutes, checking it from time to time as it neared 30 minutes.I checked how it was cooking on the insides by poking it with a toothpick.
Poking things with toothpicks or bigger sticks has been a long time tradition used by many people to do many things.So,let us keep that tradition alive.
Once that was cooked, I repeated the whole cooking process with the second piece of my cake.I left both to cool on racks, and anxiously awaited the making of the key , core part of any cake : The Frosting.
Frosting Ingredients.
- 3/4th cup of shortening,
- 3/4th cup of Earth Balance butter.
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla.
- 2 tablespoons of soy milk.
- 3 cups of confectioners sugar.
- A few cups of coconut shreds.
I blended the shortening and butter, then mixed in the vanilla, and the soy milk.I would think that is what you will do , too.I then slowly mixed in the sugar, till I had myself a thick creamy frosting.
Pretty simple, HUH ?
On a side note, using the words thick and creamy in the same sentence is horrible, and I am more upset that I just had to use them, again.
Anyways, frost one base piece, so that you will have a nice frosting layer between your two glorious pieces of cake.Layer on the frosting, and then sprinkle globs of the coconut shreds.Stack the other piece of cake on top of that, and then slather the whole cake with frosting, and follow that with covering it with the coconut shreds.
I think this cake is special, and tastes better a bit chilled, so I kept mine in the fridge.
For those of you who were kicked out of the room, for not loving cake, I can see you peaking through the door.I have only once thing to say to you; CAKE.
First I made vegan cheez-its, now I made vanilla coke cupcakes with cherry vanilla frosting.Perhaps I am suicidal, or just enjoying buying new pants, for if I keeping making such treats, I will surely need new pants.
I could say I am just making myself into a smaller scale living, breathing model of Olympus Mons, one of Jupiter’s satellites.I think it is Jupiter, I could be wrong.Maybe one of you kind souls could in-fact tell me, or perhaps, I could just google it.Fuck that, I will just assume I got it right.
You see, with making such deliciousness, I may be a bit braggy.Or cocky.But, whatever! They are tasty.And yes, I just kind of said cock.Sue me.
Alright, alright, I will get to the recipe.First off, when I was but a young, happy, bouncy child, whenever I had a bit of a tummy ache , my mama would give me cola syrup.I am not sure it ever worked, but I certainly enjoyed drinking it more then that pink nightmare, pepto- dismal.Play on words intended.
I think you could use that, it is found in a drug store, if you ask.Or, you can order one online from numerous places.It is basically the cola, without the fizz.
Cupcake Ingredients.
- 2 cups of flour.
- 3 tablespoons of cola syrup.
- 1 tablespoon of vanilla.
- Half a cup of sugar.
- Teaspoon of baking powder.
- Teaspoon of baking soda.
- A couple pinches of salt.
- 1/2 cup of Earth Balance.
- Tablespoon or two of soy milk, you will see when you get there.
Firstly, let us get this cupcake party started by grabbing a couple bowls.In one, mix the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.In number two; Blend the Earth Balance and the sugar.Once that is done, add your vanilla, and cola syrup.
Now, slowly mix in the flour, adding a bit of soy milk as you go.Do not over do it, but make sure you have a nice wet batter, but not too wet! That make no sense? Yeah, it does not, whatever.
You should have already put your little cup cake liners in your cupcake pan, but if not, do that now.
Pour, spoon, drop, whatever, your batter into the liners, about 3/4th of the way up.
Bake them in your oven at 350 degrees, for about 15 minutes.You can check them with a toothpick.You know the drill with that, I hope.
Frosting Ingredients.
- 1/4th cup plus one tablespoon of Earth Balance.
- 1/4th cup plus one tablespoon of Vegetable shortening.
- 2-3 cups of confectioners sugar.
- 2 tablespoons of vanilla.
- 2 tablespoons of cherry juice.
Okay, I am not good at frosting things, first of all.So if you plan on judging my poor skills in the frosting world;Screw you.Second, I kind of made this frosting up as I went with the cherry, so if yo have a better idea, go for it.Though, I really did enjoy the frosting.
Anyways…Blend your shortening and Earth Balance, then put in your vanilla syrup, as well as the cherry juice.I just took mine from the jar my cherries came in.Is that cheating? Maybe.
Now, mix in the sugar, one cup at a time, blending well.It should slowly become nice and creamy.I hate that phrase, but I suppose it works here.
You could add a little soy milk if you wished, I did not,but you could.I frosted the cooled cupcakes, then topped them with cherries to make them look pretty.I know, very artistic.
These came out well, with just a nice hint , but not an overbearing taste of pop in them.That is probably good, as I am not sure my mind and soul could take a cupcake that fully tasted like vanilla cola.