Since the dawn of time, or rather since the dawn of me, I have had a bad temper, that was laced with real and often not real curse words.This temper mainly comes out over such awful events as when a chair or table leg decides to attack my innocent, poor toes. Instantly, my mouth opens with a rage filled diatribe of curse words and possibly made up words in my angry scolding of this cruel thing for attacking my toe and causing so much pain.
My mother tells me I certainly inherited this temper from my father, who apparently also raged against cruel pieces of furniture, shouting them down in an Irish accent, at that. It is no doubt where I probably first heard and took up such words as ” fuck” and another word that someone people do not like, so we will leave it at that.I was probably too young to hear such things, but I grew up fine.Clearly.
So, my mother would make pork chops, and when I was young, I kind of loathed them.I mean, I still do, as a vegan, but, you know what I mean. So, one night, I cursed the sky that I was to have them for dinner, referring to them as ” fucking pork chops”. It stuck. They soon became known simply as “fucking pork chops”. I suppose we had a liberated household where curse words, unless spoken against someone, were allowed.Again, I grew up fine.Shush.
So, I thought I would maybe resolve some anger issues with the cursed fucking chop, and make my own, out of seitan. I have seen Post Punk Kitchen’s and a few others, they inspired me a bit with what I was doing, though I basically just made my own seitan, and went from there.
Chop Ingredients
- 1 cup of of gluten.
- 1/4 cup of chickpea flour.
- 6 cups of vegetable broth.
- 1 packet of yeast.
- 2 teaspoons of onion powder.
- 2 teaspoons of garlic powder.
- 1 tablespoon of poultry seasoning.
- 1 tablespoon of celery salt.
- 1 teaspoon of sage.
- 1 teaspoon of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of oregano.
- 1 tablespoon of vegan Worcestershire sauce.
- 1 tablespoon of soy sauce.
- A few dashes of salt.
- A few dashes of pepper.
In a bowl, place the gluten, chickpea flour, and half the packet of yeast.In a large pan, place all the remaining ingredients.Mix them well, and once mixed, scoop out a cup of the broth and mix it with the dry ingredients.You may now add the remaining yeast to the broth, and heat it up at low/medium heat.Right in the middle, please.
Now back to the gluten, mix and form the gluten into a few cutlet shapes, place in the pan, and let simmer for 20 minutes, flip them, and let them simmer another 20 minutes.
I will add I am not sure if some of the odd things I do make any difference, but I do them, so if you wanna follow the recipe the way I made it, then you follow, too.
Okay, when they are cooked, pour them and the broth into a bowl or container, and let that cool. You wanna let them cool as you will be handling them, and I do not want you burning your precious paws.Well, I do not personally care, I just do not want any annoying lawsuits.Yeah.
Now, time for the breading and frying.
Batter ingredients.
- 4 cups of panko bread crumbs, ground up really well.
- 1/4th cup of oil.
- 1 teaspoon of oregano.
- 1 teaspoon of minced garlic.
- 1 teaspoon of onion powder.
- 1 teaspoon of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of thyme.
- 1 teaspoon of salt.
- 1 teaspoon of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of parsley.
- 1 teaspoon of celery salt.
Mix everything in a baggie, or in a bowl, but the baggie is easier.Then just mix well, or shake well.
Now, pour some oil in a frying pan,an inch or two.Heat the oil up to medium heat.Now, grab your cooled seitan. I cut mine so it would be thinner, and also cut the pieces into smaller chops.This gives you quite a few chops.Dunk them into the breadcrumbs, place in the hot oil and cook for 2-4 minutes on each side, remove to some paper towels, and then serve.You could also bake them, but I have not tried that, yet.
Now for the side, which you probably should have already begun, but I have not told you about till now. Now, I will.You do not have to make the side, I guess.But, if you do, here we go.
Roasted Potatoes and Apples Ingredients.
- 1 to 1 potatoes, peels and chopped up.
- 2 apples, peeled, cored, and chopped up.
- 1/2 an onion, chopped up.
- A few dashes of pepper.
- A dash of salt.
- A teaspoon of thyme.
- 3 tablespoons of olive oil.
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.Place all the ingredients in a bowl and mix well, then place on a baking pan.Bake them for twenty minutes, turn the pan, and stir the mixture.Cook for another 20 minutes, and there you have it.Easy, like me.
I want you to close your eyes and join me on a magical ride to imagination land, okay? If you are scared, well too bad.Alright, fine.I can hold your hand if need be.So, here we are.A fluffy, wonderful, exciting land of vegan foods; Fruits, veggies, cakes, pies,cookies, and so on.This land, there are no animals, just the crap I just mentioned.
Now, imagine if there was a lonely apple pie who really wanted a date, something to share time with, just like many of us loser humans! They had gone on a few dates with a cake, thanks to pressure from their pie mother, but it had not worked out.Frankly pie and cake relationships do not last very long.
But then, one day, out of the blue, the apple pie met a cookie, and they fell in love, and decided to to spend their lives together.
How fucking romantic, huh? Or perhaps: How fucking insane an idea that just was and what the hell am I talking about?
Well, fine, this is is what I am talking about:Their love child, a mix of apple pie and cookie.There, now you know, and all the magic of that special bond is now gone, and I really do not know how I can go on now, but I will do my best.
I do not really know what is the best name for this, but it sure was tasty, and that is perhaps more important than some eye catching name.Of course, that is also probably why 2 people read this blog, if that.
Okay, that is a lie, I have a pretty good amount of readers, even if most of them never comment, or whatever.Anyways, that really has nothing to do with anything, so I will just get to the recipe.
Ingredients
- 1 cup of flour.
- 7 tablespoons of earth balance.
- 1/4th cup of sugar.
- 4 apples, peeled, cored, chopped.Somewhat small, please.
- 3/4 cup of brown sugar.
- 3 tablespoons of lemon juice.
- 1 tablespoon of cinnamon.
- 1 teaspoon of nutmeg.
- 1/2- 3/4th cup of chopped walnuts.
- 1/4 cup of flour.
- 7 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- 1/4 cup of sugar.
- 1 cup of flour.
First, if you are observant, and perhaps you will note that the first three ingredients are the same as the last three.That is not a typo, that is for both layers of the cookie part of this , but make them separately.
PLease, please, please, pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.Now, grab a bowl, mix 1/4th cup of sugar with the 7 tablespoons of Earth Balance.Really whip it good, like the Devo song.Stir in the flour, till it becomes quite crumbly.
grab an 8 inch by 8 inch pan, and fill it with the mixture, making it evenly spread, and pat it down.Baking in the oven for about 12 minutes, till you just start to see the edges browning, but only slightly.
Meanwhile, in those 12 minutes, combine the apples, nutmeg, cinnamon, lemon juice, brown sugar, 1/4th cup of sugar, and mix that well.layer that on top of the cooked cookie crust that you have now baked for 12 minutes.
Now, I baked this for 10 minutes, then added the second layer of cookie crust and cooked a further ten minutes, and I do not know if that makes much of a difference.So, you could cook it either way, I think.
That sounds confusing.
Damn.
Alright, so bake the cookie crust for 12 minutes, add the layer of the pie filling, and bake another ten minutes.Then, add the top layer of cookie crust and bake another 10 or so minutes.That clears up the confusion, I think.
Anyways, there you have it.
Sometimes, I like to ignore what season it is.This goes for mainly Winter, and summer.For one, I am a master of layers; Sweaters, with shirts.Things like that.I find wearing just t-shirts offensive, and slobby.So, that means in warmer weather, I may forget that I am slowly overheating and will still wear said layers.
You calling me crazy? Well, you could have a point, maybe.You may also be wondering what is my point? Well, other then my need to ramble, I do have a fucking point.I do.That point is this; I should have maybe made this recipe in the in the time of Apple Pies.Autumn.But, I did not.Oh, well.I could say better late then never, or some other cliche.But, maybe, just maybe, this was the inner me just doing what I like to do; Ignoring what season it truly is.
Or not, whatever, just enjoy the recipe, ingrate.
Ingredients.
- Apples, peeled and chopped, smaller then you would for regular apple pie.
- 3 Tbsp of lemon juice.
- 3 Tbsp of cinnamon.
- 1 Cup of sugar.
- 1 Tbsp of nutmeg.
- 3 Tbsp of whole wheat flour.
________________________________
- 2 cups and another half a cup of flour.
- 3/4th cup of vegetable shortening.
- Teaspoon of Salt.
- Ice water.
Well, first you should make the crust, as you will have to cool it in the fridge for a bit of time.Mix the flour and salt in a large bowl.Add the shortening in small amounts, mixing in with a fork.You want the flour to become clumpy.This is fairly easy to do, so if you fail at this, perhaps you should stick to making salads.
Now, taking a tablespoon, add three tablespoons of the ice water, and mix that in,then another three, then add more tablespoons , one at a time, till its more of a dough, but do not too much,perhaps 2 tablespoons after the first 3.Clump the dough together, it should not be that consistent.Talk about run on sentences, you see that last one? Fuck.
Anyways, clump the dough up and rap in plastic, and sit it in the fridge for an hour, at least.This should give you a somewhat flaky pie crust.
Did you peel those apples? Chop them up? Well, what are you fucking waiting for? do it! Okay, I got bossy there.Sorry.Please, do those things.That’s better.
Now, mix the lemon juice,brown sugar, nutmeg,flour, and cinnamon in a bowl.
Drizzle and toss this with your chopped apples.Now, grab your pie crust dough out of the fridge, and on a floured flat surface, roll it out.I feel as though I should not have to say flat surface, as what kind of maniac would be rolling out dough on some curved surface? But, I digress.Again, as always.
So, cut out a square shape, in the rolled out dough.I would say about 5 inches by 5 inches, but I did not measure.
Place a portion of your filling in the middle, as you can see in my ever so helpful photos.
Now you want to roll them up, carefully.You do not want to be poke any holes in the crust!Seal them up using your fingers, fork, and some water.This will take some trial and effort, or it did for me.They may not look the prettiest, but whatever.Seal up the edges around the edges too, or it will all drip out while cooking.Place them as you make them on a sprayed baking pan.
I think I made 5, but you could maybe squeeze out 6.When you are done sealing each one, brush it with soy milk, and sprinkle with sugar.I should have maybe said that before the whole pan thing, but whatever.Slice a few slices in each, so air can escape.Filling juices may bubble and escape but that is also okay.
You should have preheated your oven , too.I should have added that.Well, I am now.So, set your oven to 425 degrees.Cook them on one side for 20 minutes, and then turn them over and cook another 20 minutes.
I served mine with a scoop or two of ice cream.You know, for fun.You can just pick them up and eat with your hand , or be civilized and use a fork and knife.Your call!
The photo would have been better, if only I had not picked out a piece of apple filling to eat, alas! Shame about the filling leaking out, but whatever, this is not a beauty contest!Or, maybe it is.Whatever.
It is that time of year, isn’t it? Autumn; Halloween, pumpkins, foliage, turkey genocide.You know, the traditional things.I would have to bet near the of that list could be simple, old fashioned apple pie.So, I thought it would be best to make an apple pie.
You can make it into an all day kind of treat.You could go and pick your own apples, or just be lazy and run to the grocery store.I will leave that decision up to you.
Ingredients
- Apples, duh.I forget the exact count, but lets just guess 6 to 8 apples, peeled, cored, and chopped.
- 1 cup of Sugar.Brown works best.
- A couple tbsp’s of whole wheat flour.
- 1 Tbsp Nutmeg.
- 2 Tbsp Cinnamon.
- 2 Tbsp lemon juice.
Those are for the filling.There are for the crust.
- 3 cups all purpose flour, or use two cups of that with one cup of whole wheat flour, or whatever.Do what you want.
- Pinch of salt
- 2 Tbsp Butter.Earth Balance!
- Little less then a cup of cold water.
Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.
Alright, you will want to make the crust , first.This is a fairly simple crust, and if you are some master pie crust maker, then go with that.Or, you could cheat and just buy a pre-made one.You decide.
Sift or sort, or mix the flour and salt, then add the butter.Use a fork and blend that in, so the flour becomes clumpy.Now, add the water, slowly and mix and blend.Kneed for a few moments.Form into a ball, and then split into two smaller balls.
Flour a table, and lay out one ball of dough.Roll out the dough into a pie crust shape, and place in your pie pan.I used non-stick spray on my pan.
Place half the chopped apples on top of the crust in the pie pan.Take your sugar, flour,cinnamon,nutmeg, and lemon juice and mix.Drizzle this onto the apples in the pie crust.Place the rest of the apples in the pan, and drizzle remainder of the mix on top.
Put aside, and roll out the other ball of dough.Shaped it ? Good, you are finally listening to me.You are learning.Or, you are a master pie maker, master recipe maker, and mocking this.Whatever.Screw you.
Anyways, before I was rudely interrupted, you have formed the top of your pie.Place this where? ON TOP OF THE PIE.
I was not shouting, just being slightly dramatic.
Now,fold that edge and seal the edges with a fork.I then cut an X in the middle, to let out air, or whatever.I then brush some soy or rice milk on top of the pie.Place in oven, and cook for about 50 minutes.It should be becoming a golden brown.
Let cool a touch, and serve, eat, and enjoy.
Viva Autumn.
