I would like to talk to you about bananas, for a moment or two.Yes, I wish to discuss bananas,No, I am not going bananas.I just wish to chat about them with you.Is that alright with you? Good.
we know that bananas are yellow, while oranges are orange.We call the orange one an orange, but we call the yellow one a banana.That hardly seems fair.I just do not know if it is unfair to the banana, or unfair to the orange.Who knows?
Well, we may not have bananas for much longer in our lifetimes, or not the type of banana we are accustomed to.It is going extinct.Yes, you read that correctly.The banana is going the way of neanderthal man and the mammoth, it is going bye bye.
This story, and those it links is a good start for learning about this possible upcoming tragedy.Yes, it is a tragedy, especially if you enjoy this banana bread I am going to chit chat about.What are we to do! Won’t anyone think of the banana? Won’t anyone think of the children, the banana-less children!?
It is a possibly nightmarish story unfolding, and like most of my dating experiences, it may not end well.So be warned, banana lovers.
Banana Bread Ingredients.
- 2 and 1/2 cups of flour.
- 2-3 large-ish bananas.
- 1 and a half tablespoons of ginger.
- 2 teaspoons of allspice.
- 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 1/2 cup of brown sugar.
- 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil.
- 4 tablespoons of molasses.
- What would consist of 2 eggs using Egg-Replacer.
- 1 and 1/2 tablespoons of orange juice.
- 1/2 cup to a full cup of raisins.
You should probably begin by preheating your oven, I mean that is what I would suggest doing.If you feel like ignoring that, go for it.We will see how that works out for you.But, if you are listening, preheat your oven to 350 degrees.While you are at it, grease or spray a baking pan, I think mine was one of those 8 by 8 thingies.I am pretty sure ” thingies” is a proper cooking term.
In a bow, mix the flour, baking soda, sugar, allspice, and ginger.Yes, this is simple, isn’t it? Moving on, make a “well” or a hole in the middle of the flour, and pour in the molasses, orange juice, oil, egg-replacer, including the water the egg-replacer calls for, and mix that in your ” well”.
In another bowl, mash the bananas, and stir in the raisins.Now you may add this to your ” well” and then stir and mix the entire mixture.Pour the batter into the baking pan and cook for 30- 40 minutes.You can check it by stabbing it with a toothpick.
Slice into slices, and eat.I think this final instruction point may be the most critical, the most rewarding, and by far the simplest.My apologies to those who find eating troublesome.
Risotto is pretty good, but I always tend to never make it.I seem to forget about it – I do not know why.I will try and remind myself to make it more often, but maybe I will even forget the reminder.Who knows?!
Whenever I make risotto, I think of a couple things.One of those things is the amount of stirring it takes to make a good risotto, and the other is a bit more abstract.Or stupid.You know that horrible Styx song?
This one?
Maybe the song would be better if it was called ‘Mr Risotto’ ? I doubt it.
Anyways, one of the big crops I have been harvesting out of my vegetable garden of late has been zucchini.I have a lot of zucchini.I mean, really, a lot.I did not even know what to do with all this zucchini, so I asked some of my lovely followers on twitter what they would do.I received some good answers, some not so good answers, and plenty of snark.That is my own doing, as I tend to only answer a question seriously maybe one out of every 5 to 6 questions.
No one gave me the idea for the risotto, I gave myself the answer.Asking that question was beyond a waste of time.My followers can go fuck themselves.But not really, I am just kidding. X’s and o’s and all that crap.
This zucchini risotto, like any risotto demands a lot of stirring, thus you need a strong arm and wrist or you will get tired.I have no such worries, thanks to years of masturbating.I could be joking, I may not be joking.Did I just make a masturbation joke in a risotto recipe? Yes, yes I did.
Ingredients.
- 1 yellow onion, diced.
- 2-3 tablespoons of olive oil.
- 3 tablespoons of minced garlic.
- 1 zucchini, diced.
- 6 cups of vegetable stock.
- 2 cups of arborio rice.
- 4 teaspoons of basil.
- 2 teaspoons of oregano.
- A couple dashes of salt.
- A couple dashed of pepper.
First thing you should do, and this is important : You need to get yourself into the kitchen.That is an essential part of cooking, as usual.Heat up the vegetable stock, over medium heat, and let it sit and simmer.In another pan, saute the onion in the olive oil.
Cook the onion for about 5 minutes, over medium heat and then add in the garlic and the zucchini and cook for another few minutes.Stir in the rice, and cook all that for a couple minutes.
Now for the fun part.Pour one cup of the vegetable stock into the onions, zucchini and rice mix.Stir constantly till all that liquid is absorbed, gone.Repeat!
After stirring and added a cup of stock three times, not two times, not four times, but three times, stir in the basil, oregano, salt and pepper.
Pour and stir in the remaining cups of stock, one cup at a time, as before.
You can top with some parsley, or perhaps some vegan cheese topping.I did, and I know you want to be just like me.So, go for it, skipper.
What makes a cake a tea cake? What is a tea cake?What makes cake so great? Why all the questions? I do not know, stop asking me. Alright, I have a guess.One could even argue it is an educated guess, eh? I doubt that, forget that.Anyways…That guess is that I am pretty sure if you are Lord or Lady Fancy-pants, you are supposed to have tea cake when you have your tea.Duh!
A cake you have with tea, when you have tea, or something.
That sounds as good a guess as anything.Yeah, yeah, I know.I could just google it, or maybe some smart-ass will do it for me and correct me.It does not really matter, I guess.It is a cake; A tasty, crumbly, delicious kind of cake.It is cake, people! Cake is king.
Also:I do not know if baking cakes in the middle of summer is properly seasonal- But the fruit makes it summery, right?
Ingredients.
- 10 ounces, half watermelon, half raspberry.Or, all raspberry or even strawberry.
- 2 tablespoons of starch.
- 2 and 1/4 cups of flour.
- 3/4th a cup of sugar.
- 1 tablespoon of Egg-Replacer.
- 1 cup of soy milk.
- 1 tablespoon of vinegar.
- 3/4th cup of Earth Balance.
- 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda.
- 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder.
- Couple pinches of salt.
For the fruit, I heated them up in a small pot or pan, over low-medium heat.I then pureed the fruit, and placed back on stove, and added the corn starch, till it begins to bubble and thicken.
Make sure not to spill it all over the place, like I nearly did.Sticky fruit is not something that likes to be cleaned up easily.
IN a large bowl,not like a giant bowl, but a good sized large bowl, mix the sugar and flour.Now, using a fork, mix in the Earth Balance till it all looks crumbly.Remove about half a cup of this and put aside.
Now in the main large bowl, add the baking soda, baking powder, salt, mix well, and make a small well in the middle.Why is it called a well? I see it as no source of water.
Anyways, in a small bowl mix the soy milk and the vinegar and let it sit a few minutes.Mix in the egg-replacer, and then add this wet mixture to your dry mixture.
Grease up a pie pan, or cake pan,whatever you decided on using.I do not care, really.Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.
Pour about two thirds of the cake batter into the pie pan.Top that, carefully with a layer of the fruit, and then cover that with the remaining cake batter.Now sprinkle that half a cup of dry batter I told you to put aside.That should do it.
Pop in the oven, let it cook 30-35 minutes, stab it with a toothpick to see if its ready, and let it cool 15 minutes after you are done baking it.
You are welcome.
If you read this blog, page, whatever, you know I can be a bit, well, negative.I enjoy hating things.It fuels me, or something.It is very easy for me to turn on something or someone, as I just do not have the ability to deal with something or someone if they annoy me.So, when I say I hate something, it may not be all that ground-breaking, but none the less, I have something to add to my list of hates : Rachel Ray.
I just want to dunk her head in the bowl she has in-front of her, and fill her smiling face with whatever it is she is cooking.Is this an unhealthy hate? Will I be put on some kind of dangerous people list for this? I do not know.All I know is I do not like Rachel Ray.
Alright, I would not do any of that to her, but I really do not like her.Really.
I say this, now, as I know what I am about to say may in-fact contradict that very statement.But, if contradiction is not a part of life, then what is ?
Rachel Ray is a part of everyone’s lives, apparently.Even mine, sadly.
Okay, so, I saw this Rachel Ray recipe, and decided to veganize it.Does that mean I truly do not dislike Rachel Ray? I haven’t a clue.I just thought it was an okay idea, and figured, why not?
I will not, this time, tell you how to make seitan, as I have plenty of posts involving it, and you can also use google, or you may even buy it, pre-made.That can be your choice.
Mt self-hating self can now post this recipe, and go off and hate myself a bit more for even veganizing a Rachel Ray recipe.
That may be a bit of embellishment, or it may not be.
Ingredients.
- A largish steak or cutlet of beef-like seitan.
- 1 onion, sliced thin.
- 1 red roasted peppers, sliced thinly.
- A few slices of crusty bread, home -made bread like this one.
- 2-3 tablespoons of minced garlic.
- Salt.
- Pepper.
- Steak sauce.
- Oil, a couple tablespoons or so.
You will first desire to heat up a tablespoon of oil in a pan over medium heat,add the onion and roasted red pepper, and some salt and pepper.Cook this , stirring once in a while for about 15 minutes.
While that cooks, pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees.Also, I used a grilling pan, so if you have one, oil that up and heat it up to medium heat, too.
Rub the minced garlic into the slices of bread, place on a baking pan, and toast in the oven for 10 or so minutes, till it is a bit toasty.
Grill the steak of seitan on your grilling pan for 3 or so minutes on each side. Your should have those pretty grilling marks.Once it is grilled, cut the seitan into slices.
Lay the toast, garlic side up on a plate, lay out the slices of seitan,drip a bit of steak sauce over this, then top with the onions and roasted red peppers.
Eat.
Am I too harsh On Rachel Ray? Sometimes I feel bad, but then most of the time I do not feel anything remotely close to feeling bad.Is my Rachel Ray hate unwarranted? Is she not super annoying? Or, is my curmudgeon personality being too hard on her?
Today, and this weekend in general, would have been that much better if it was Autumn, and not summer.Give me October, you can have August.Here, take it.
Today’s grey, raining Sunday was that kind of day if it was in middle of Autumn, and not in the middle of August. Those days are wonderfully great for cooking, baking, and generally just making a mess in the kitchen.
On days like those, I become a whirling dervish of flying flours, baking soda, sugars,all in the name of baking and cooking.
The mess is not much fun to clean up, but the finished products make it worth it.Usually.
Now, I am waxing poetically about Autumn, when I should say that I basically ignored those rules this weekend, and did indeed spend long afternoon hours baking and cooking, and making those messes that had to be cleaned up
Did I tell you that Jarvis Cocker makes some great songs for baking and playing in the kitchen?No? Well, I just did.
Anyways, so I made a lot this weekend, I did.Doughnuts, cookies, baked beans, some scones…I am sure there is more, but perhaps flour has seeped into my cranium and is making my brain work less efficiently? Who knows?
Frankly I do not even feel like posting it all, and was going to just stick to the baked beans, but that would be drastically lazy, even for someone as sloth-like as myself.
Fuck it, let us bake.
First, before I go on, I am from New England, so I fear even posting these baked beans, as they are semi-half-assed.I fear my puritanical dead relatives rising from cozy, ancient grave yards , and coming after me for perhaps degrading what is a staple of New English cooking.
But, I will go ahead and post it , anyways.I probably never make them exactly the same, and often I will toss in some onions, and other things, from time to time.This one is fairly basic.
Baked Beans Ingredients
- 16 ounces of navy beans, soaked, cooked, rinsed.
- 3/4 cup of tomato sauce.
- 2 bay leaves.
- 2 tablespoons of maple syrup.
- 4-5 tablespoons of molasses.
- 1 tablespoon of onion powder.
- 2 tablespoons of yellow mustard.
- 4 tablespoons of brown sugar.
This is simple.Really simple.Pre-heat your oven to 325 degrees.Mix all the ingredients minus the beans in a bowl, and place the beans in a casserole dish.Now, stir in the mixed stuff into the beans.Place in oven.
When you see it start to boil, cover with a lid or some tin foil.Let the beans cook two to three hours, and you are all done.I tend to stir them once in a while, not sure if that matters, or I am just nosy and excited about the beans.
I like to eat mine with a baked potato, is that normal? I do not know, but I will suddenly become a pig and clean the plate.A baked potato and baked beans is a win, to me.
Here is another good tune to cook to, if you like the upbeat British stuff, an oldie but goodie.By oldie, I mean from the last decade.That is getting to be an oldie, isn’t it? Then again, that would make me an oldie, so, lets just listen and move on.
I know, I know…You want to talk about the doughnuts, I get it.No, I do, it is fine, really.It is just fine.Forget the tunes, here is the doughnuts.
Chocolate Glazed Doughnuts Ingredients.
- 3 and 3/4 cups of flour.
- 2 teaspoons of baking powder.
- 2 teaspoons of baking soda.
- 1/4 a teaspoon of cinnamon.
- 1 teaspoon of salt.
- 1 cup of sugar.
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla.
- 3 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- 2 “eggs” You know, the egg-replacer stuff, with water it calls for.
- 1 cup of soy milk.
- 4 squares of baker’s chocolate.
Where, oh where, to begin? Alright, first, in a large bowl, mix the flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, salt, the dry parts of the egg-replacer, cinnamon, and the salt.Stir that, mix that, whatever.
Meanwhile, melt the butter and the chocolate, tossing in the vanilla.
Now, this is where we combine the wet ingredients, and the dry ones.This is much like how Livingston met Stanley, I presume.Do not forget to add in the water that is called for with two “eggs”.That would be 4 tablespoons, people.
Once you have your batter, dough, whatever, kneed that for a few minutes, place back in a bowl, and let it sit and chill in the fridge for a half hour, maybe an hour.
Roll the dough the out, maybe 3/4 of an inch ? give , or take.I do not own a doughnut cutter thingy, so I used a biscuit cutter, and then the bottle cap of a soda bottle for the inner circle.This made about a dozen or so doughnuts.
I also do not own a fryer, so I use a big pot, and poured in enough oil so there was about 4 inches of oil.I heated it up at medium heat.i do not know the temp, so do not ask.Medium heat, on the line.
I fried a few at a time, that would be three, I would fry them on one side for a few minutes,and flipped them and fried another couple of minutes, and out they came. doughnuts, lots and lots of chocolate doughnuts.
but wait! You need the sugar glaze!
Sugar Glaze Ingredients.
- 2 cups of confectioners’ sugar.
- 1/3 a cup of soy milk.
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla.
Warm the milk in a sauce pan, or whatever.Add the vanilla, and then stir in the sugar.Pour the mix in a bowl, and dunk your doughnuts, and then let them sit on a rack to cool for a few minutes, or so.
Oh, I should add that I made munchkins with the inner circle that I did not use.Just rolls those into proper balls, and fry them for a few minutes.You can glaze them, too.
I also made cookies, but you do not need to really know about those.or rather, I am too lazy to write about them right now.Oh, well.
Today, down yonder in Texas, the ” Dumber” in ‘Dumb & Dumber’, Rick Perry, is hosting his nice little pray it away shindig for himself and all his buddies.
I am not one to mock one’s personal beliefs, or maybe I am, I do not know, and it is not the point, or maybe it is.
I mean, sure they have the right to try and pray away drought, pray away the gay, blame natural disasters on what they perceive as ” loose morals”.Hell, they can blame 9/11 on gays and ‘Glee’ if they want to, it is their right.
But, it is also my right to point out how completely odious and fucking mentally disturbingly , horribly , and completely stupid it all is.
It is not just about the crazy hate filled blame for problems- I would also love to point out that their irony meters are clearly broken.During the 3 or 4 minutes I could handle watching on-line, before my head began to ooze some kind of dumb juice out of my nose, I was able to hear how President Obama and his people are all a bunch of Nazis.
This from people speaking at a large-ish rally in-front of a bunch of hard right wing ideologues.
Also, I saw more khakis than a Gap outlet, for real.
I can see why someone like Perry would embrace the idea of praying away problems facing the state or nation.It pretty much absolves him or anyone from any or all the times they do not solve a problem, it takes them off the hook.
“Well, we have a drought and it is not raining because God thinks you pay too much in estate tax, and there are gays in the military!”
If only we banned gays to the outer limits of outer space, or maybe placed them on a an island, we surely would not be battling a possible double-dip recession!
I am no Paul Krugman, hell I cannot even sport a beard like that economical uber-genius, but I have a slight grasp on why and how things work in economics, and it has nothing to do with some invisible dude up in space.
It is the ultimate cop out.It is God’s doing, and you know, he does work in mysterious ways.
Can you imagine if I went around being a complete asshole to everyone, stealing their lunch from the office, tripping kids, giving the finger to blind people, and then just said’ Fuck you, I work in mysterious ways!”?
That is what The Response is all about, using hate and blame to pass the buck on things you do not understand, or you just do not wish to understand, or just things you hate because some book told you to.
You wish to solve economic woes? How about a solid economic plan? You wish to solve drought issues? How about trying to combat climate change?You know, through laws and innovation, and maybe some thinking.You know, some junk like that.
A few summers ago, two, maybe three, I planted a small garden.It was not much, just a few herbs, some tomatoes, and maybe some onions and carrots.I do not exactly recall, but it was not all that expansive of a garden.I have since built a couple larger gardens and really expanded on my horticulture and gardening adventures.
One of the herbs I planted, and to this day I do not know exactly why I did, was lemon thyme.I enjoy Thyme, and perhaps I thought the Lemon Thyme variety would be something I would enjoy.Frankly, it has a very limited use.oh, well.But, the thing is, it will not go away, or die.It has lived through each winter, only to grow larger and stronger.It is a veritable lemon thyme bush now.
So, I thought maybe this would be a good time to come up with some use of it.Lemon thyme seitan sounded like a good idea, though the sauce could probably be used on tofu, or even a chickpea cutlet.I am kindly, as that is who I am, also adding the seitan recipe I used for this, as it was fantastic.
So, there is that.
There is also a cake, and we will get into that last, like dessert should be, or whatever.It is a fine cake, though.
Is there a bad cake? Perhaps fruitcake, which combines two things into one horrible thing.This however, is not fruitcake, so no worries.
So, there is three recipes in one , here.I guess I should perhaps get to them, yes?
Seitan Ingredients.
- 1 cup of gluten.
- 2 teaspoons of yeast.
- 3 tablespoons of chickpea flour.
- 4-5 cups of vegetable stock.
- 2 teaspoons of thyme.
- 1 tablespoon of celery salt.
- 1 tablespoon of poultry seasoning.
- 1/2 teaspoon of salt.
- 1 teaspoon of pepper.
- 1 teaspoon of marjoram.
- 2 tablespoons of soy sauce.
- 2-3 teaspoons of yeast.
Firstly, you will wish to combine all the ingredients, except for the gluten, 2 teaspoons of yeast, and the chickpea flour.This is your broth, so mix all that and pour into your pan used for the cooking of the seitan.
Combing the chickpea flour, 2 teaspoons of yeast, and the gluten.Scoop out about a cup of the broth and mix it with the dry ingredients.Mix, kneed, and mold into one large or several smaller sized cutlets.
Heat your broth between low and medium heat, and cook your seitan.I like to flip the cutlets from time to time.But, basically cook them till there is little to no broth remaining, or about 45 minutes.
Mix together a cu of flour, with some dashes of salt and pepper, dunk the cooked seitan cutlets in the mix, and fry on each side for several minutes.Easy.
It really is easy, I assure you.If you are afraid of making seitan, I fear what else you may be afraid of.Gee, whiz.
Lemon Thyme Sauce
- 1/2 cup of diced onion.
- 1 tablespoon of Earth Balance.
- 1/4th cup of flour.
- 1/4th cup of Earth Balance.
- 1/4th cup, or a few little bunches of dried out lemon thyme.
- 1/2 cup of vegetable stock.
Saute up the onion in the tablespoon of Earth Balance, till it is soft.You will then add in the flour and the rest of the Earth Balance.It will thicken quickly.What do you do? You stir.Pour this into your processor, add the stock, lemon thyme, and process it, you should have a creamy lemony thymey sauce.You can add more vegetable stock if you wish to thin it out.
Top your seitan with the sauce, and away you go.
I have not forgotten, no I have not.I promised you a cake.This is that cake, a cake I kind of made up as I went.I lucked out, I suppose.Maybe you will try it and not enjoy it, and thus say I did not in-fact luck out.Well, maybe, maybe not.
Almond Cake Ingredients.
- 3/4th cup of flour.
- 3/4th cup of corn meal.
- 1/4th cup whole wheat flour.
- 1/2 cup blanched almonds.
- 1/2 cup walnuts.
- 1/4th cup sugar.
- 1/2 cup of Earth Balance.
- The equivalent of two eggs and water using Egg-Replacer.
- 1 cup confectioners’ sugar.
- 1 teaspoon of baking powder.
- 2 tablespoons of Earth Balance.
- 1/4th cup of Tofutti Sour Cream.
- 2 teaspoons of almond extract.
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla.
Well, you will need your processor, a cake pan sprayed and ready to go, and you will need to pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees.While you do these difficult task I will wait for you, and listen to a song, or two.
This Scottish indie ditty will do.
Alright, ready? In your processor, process the walnuts and the almonds.Now mix in the 1/4th cup of sugar,one teaspoon of almond extract, and the two tablespoons of Earth Balance.Process that till it is somewhat smooth.
Meanwhile, mix the corn meal ,and both flours, adding in the baking powder, too.
Now, in a bowl, mix the processed nuts mix with the 1/2 cup of Earth Balance the confectioners’ sugar, the egg-replacer, and the water it calls for. Mix in the the teaspoon of vanilla, and the remaining teaspoon of almond extract.Mix well.
Mix this in with the flour, and then mix in the sour cream.I think that is it.I suppose I should go back and make sure I have used all the ingredients I mentioned.
Yeah, that gives you confidence in me, doesn’t it? Yikes.
I believe I did mention everything, so we can carry on.Pour the batter in your cake pan, and bake for 30 or so minutes.You can stab it with a toothpick to see if it is cooked through.
I dusted some sugar on top, and left it at that.I am a simple man.Older, wise, neither applies to me.
I am going to start right off by telling you that I have two more complex (fancy) recipes I want to post, but I am lazy.To be honest, it is the whole typing out the ingredients part, it can be a major bummer.I should hire someone to just type out that section, but not the rest.I would hate to keep you from reading my murderously sharp wit and mad-as-fuck word smithery.
See, I am so bad-ass I make up words that mock Webster’s and Oxford.Take that, English language types!
Where was I? Oh, yes.I was complaining about having to write crap out for a longer post on a couple recipes, even though I am not rambling about the complaining.Yeah, it makes no sense.You know what does make sense? A Nickel, it makes five pennies.
What a horrid joke.
This is a recipe for potato salad, but with the addition of beets, too.It may sound a bit wild, perhaps crazy, but I dare you to try it.I may even double-dog-dare you.Yeah, I went there.
You can go the whole route of preparing the beets, but I cheated and used a jar of unsalted prepared beets to save myself some time.
Ingredients.
- 3 cups of peeled and diced potatoes.
- 1-2 cups of diced beet.
- 3 or so diced gherkin sweet pickles.
- 1/2 cup of vegan mayo.
- 3 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar.
- 2 teaspoons of pepper.
You cannot mess this up.I have no doubts about it, really.Bring some water to a boil, and cook the potatoes for ten minutes, maybe fifteen, but make sure not to over-cook them till they are too soft.
Mix the diced cooked potatoes with the diced beets.In a small bowl mix the mayo, vinegar, diced pickles, and pepper.Toss and mix that with the potatoes and beets.
Cool in a fridge, top with some parsley and ground pepper and away you go.Where you are going is beyond me, but you are indeed going.
