Vegan Fried Chick’n .
Recently, Ellen’s vegan chef guru guy, whatever his name is, I forget, published a cookbook of dishes he whips up for Ellen and her wife. Yes, that Ellen. The one with the show. I know I am known to hate just about everyone and anything, but I kinda like Ellen.
So, this dude made a cookbook,and in this cookbook,he has fried chicken. Well, he has fried non-chicken, using spring roll wrappers as a way of making a skin. I found it rather genius and went about trying it out.
Frankly, I think his batter needed a bit of work, and I did a few things differently.But, the idea of spring wrappers is all his, I think. I mean , I am assuming it was his idea.Has anyone else done that? Whatever, who cares?
This will lead to a mess in your kitchen, I can tell you that, but the results will have you licking your fingers, or whatever it is people do when they eat fried chicken.
Fried chicken has a long history.A crispy history, too. What we consider modern day fried chicken can be traced back to African slaves, who were not allowed many livestock, other than chickens. Well, they made it into their own.Here is a shocker:fried chicken is also traced back to the Scottish. Yeah, the Scottish. Kilts and fried chicken. Who knew?
The Scotts liked to fry their chicken, while their jerk neighbors to the south, the English, would either bake or boil it.I am not saying this is true, but it is highly possible that Braveheart himself, William Wallace probably was fighting the English over fried foods.
I just made that up.The part about Braveheart, not about the Scottish frying chicken.
So, to recap: Scotts brought fried chicken to the Americas, slaves perfected it, and some white guy in a white suit made millions off it. That is fucked up.
Anyway, so I got this Ellen Vegan cookbook, so that dude came up with the spring rolls as a “skin” I just made it my own. Or something.Whatever.
For a ” chicken” style seitan, I must use a few key ingredients. Vital wheat gluten is, well, vital. But for seasonings, I use celery salt, some sage, poultry seasoning, and some rosemary.
You have your own seitan? Then skip ahead, bastard. Otherwise, we will make the seitan first.
Seitan Ingredients.
- 10 cups of water.
- 3 tablespoons of Braggs liquid aminos
- 2 tablespoons of celery salt.
- 1 tablespoon of poultry seasoning.
- 2 teaspoons of sage.
- 1 teaspoon of marjoram.
- 1 teaspoon of paprika.
- 2 cups of gluten.
- 1 tablespoon of thyme.
- 1 tablespoon of rosemary.
Okay, so toss all the ingredients up to the gluten in a large pot, with a lid.I suppose placing in the pot would leave one with less a mess, but I am not here to judge.
Place the gluten in a bowl. and add a cup of the broth you just made in the large pot.Now, add the thyme and rosemary to the pot.
Do I have to mention you should be stirring these things together?I figured this would be assumed on your part.
Bring the broth to a gentle boil over medium heat.
Your gluten should be mixed with that cup of broth.If you need a bit more broth, add it carefully. Mold the gluten into some shapes, similar to a cutlet.Place the gluten cutlets into the large pot, and lower the temp to a nice simmer. Place the lid on the pot, with a small crack of an opening, and well, let it simmer.
I stir my cooking gluten from time to time, and see how it is doing. Do not be disturbed if it grows to supersize and the pot seems to be over-filling with gluten cutlets. They will decrease in size.
Now, after an hour or an hour and a half, they should be done. Let them cool a bit so you do not burn your precious hands, and then you can cut them into the shapes you want.
You will want to heat up your cooking oil. Do that. Add about two inches of oil, probably vegetable oil, or an oil of your choice to a pan.
In one bowl add 4 tablespoons of egg-replacer, a cup of soy milk, and a tablespoon of vinegar. This will give you a thick, almost buttermilk like substance.
In another bowl, mix all this:
Fried Batter Ingredients.
- 2 cups of flour.
- 3 teaspoons of celery salt.
- 2 tablespoons of paprika.
- Dash of pepper, or two dashes.
- 3 teaspoons of chili powder.
- 1 teaspoon of oregano.
- 2 teaspoons of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of garlic powder.
- 1 teaspoon of onion powder.
You could also toss in some MSG if you had some, I sadly, did not.
Dust a baking pan with corn starch, and place to the side.
In another , larger bowl, add some water.
Grab your spring roll wrappers, you have them , right? Take a wrapper, place in the hot water for about 30 seconds, and then proceed to wrap each piece of cut seitan/gluten in the spring roll wrappers. Placing them on the corn starch dusted baking pan.
Once you ave completed this task, it is now time to batter them. First, dunk them in the flour mixture, then in the milk mixture, then back in the flour mixture.
Repeat till you baking pan is now filled with battered pieces of seitan goodness.
Now it is time to fry these fuckers. Oh, yeah.
I did them in batches, and let them drain and cool on a cooling rack I had covered in paper towels.
Place four or so pieces in the hot oil, cooking on each side for several minutes a side. You can flip them easily and safely if you use some cooking tongs. You want a golden brown and crispy ” skin”
Vegan Fried Chick’n with spring roll wrapper “skin”.
You have now made country fried seitan.You could even put them all in a bucket if you so desired.Or perhaps feed them to your friends wearing a white suit with silly tie. I dunno. You could.
It is once again that special time of year, late spring, early summer, when we all crave those summer foods we enjoy every summer season. You know, like pot pies!
Vegan TVP Pot Pie
Oh, that is not really correct, or accurate, is it?Pot pies are not a summer dish – seeing how you will be heating up your kitchen by using your oven. Oh, well! But- I was craving one, so I went about making one.So we will just pretend it is a great summer tradition! You see, as I have mentioned before – I am one of those ” Go get’em tiger!” type persons.
That is my second lie of this post, and it is a short post. I am not one of those people, in fact I just bickered with myself for over an hour about showering, even though I worked outside all day, and am indeed, a tad dirty.
But, I did shower, and I did make pot pie. These are truths, I assure you.
I once wrote out an email I had written telling a friend about a pot pie recipe, and have since felt bad for anyone reading it, hoping to find some tasty pot pie recipe, and finding that one. I won’t even bother linking to it. So, this is a pot pie, and its an actual recipe, one that one can actually even follow. How awesome is that?
Yeah, whatever.
I could also add a pie crust recipe, but I feel like everyone out there has their own favorite, or they simply just buy one. So, if you want it, you can ask me for it. Otherwise, I am going to just go on the assumption you have pie crusts at your service.
TVP Chunks Ingredients.
- 4 cups of veggie broth.
- 2 and a half cups of TVP chunks
- 2 tablespoons of celery salt.
- 1 bay leaf.
- 3 teaspoons of rosemary.
- Dash of salt.
- 2 tablespoons of soy sauce, I use that Bragg Liquid Amino stuff.
- 2 teaspoons of poultry seasoning.
This part is fail-proof.Seriously. You just put all this crap in a pot, pan, or a wok, put over low-medium heat, and cook till the liquid is just about gone. You know how some TVP chunks ready to go, friend.
You are my friend, right? I hope so, or this could get really awkward.
Now, on to the other stuff in the pie.
Pot Pie Ingredients
- 2 sticks or whatever they are called of celery.Chopped up, yo.
- 2 large-ish carrots, peeled and chopped.
- 1 cup of frozen peas.
- 1 cup of frozen corn.
- Veggie broth, just enough to cover over the before mentioned veggies in a pot.
- One medium sized onion, diced.
- 1/4 cup of vegan butter.
- 1 cup of veggie broth.
- 2 teaspoons of celery salt.
- 2 teaspoons of thyme.
- Pepper.
- 1 cup of soy milk
- 4 tablespoons of flour.
- The TVP chunks you have prepared previously.
In a pot, add the first 5 ingredients, bring to a boil, and let cook for 20 minutes.
In a pan, fry the onion using the butter, till it is cooked, duh! About 8 or so minutes, over medium heat.Now, add the flour, thyme, celery salt, soy milk, and the veggie broth. You will want to whisk this to keep it from being a big chunky, goopy mess.Stir in the TVP. Cook for a few minutes.
Now, I probably should have mentioned pre-heating your oven to 425, but I forgot. Sorry. While the oven is heating up, line you pie pan, or whatever you deiced to use, with your pie crusts. You know- put the bottom and side part in, then you will add the filling , then add the top piece of pie crust.
So, first make a layer with the onion-mixture, then add the veggies mix on top of that, then top with your piece crust, make some slashes for air to escape, pop it in the oven, cook for 25 minutes , till you have a nice golden brown crust, and then eat your pie.
Vegan TVP Pot Pie
The last directive is most likely the most important.
I grew up in New England, and rarely left that safety net, until fairly recently. Yes, I moved. I should probably go and change my bio and things. I will, eventually. I will miss my dear old New England, her weather, her people, her trees, and her coastline. But, I also welcome something that was probably needed in life: A change.
Hello, New York. Well, I should say hello Western New York. I do not wish to be confused for a New Yorker, as in one of those city people, with their evil baseball team.
Okay, so, when I do miss New England, which is bound to happen, I go and whip up something that is known in New England. It could be baked beans, it could be steaming my veggie burgers, and so on. Today, it is American Chop Suey.
Now, outsiders, those not from New England, will insist it is simply a goulash. I say no to that! I am a New Englander, no matter where I live, and it is American Chop Suey. Now, you are probably asking yourself, if you have continued reading, what in the world is this ” American Chop Suey” you speak of? Well, its a pasta, usually a macaroni, with some kind of ground, along with tomato sauce, onions, and green pepper.
When I was an omnivore I used to enjoy my mom making it for me, so it is only right and fitting I make one that does not include all that animal stuff, as that is just plain mean. Or something.
I have no facts, or history about the dish – I am just going to assume it came to popularity along with other dishes when New England saw a rise in immigrants from Italy. That sounds like a good guess. Not a fact by any means, but possibly a reasonable assumption to make. Would native Americans recognize it? Perhaps – perhaps not.
Ingredients
TVP Ingredients
-4 cups of veggie broth.
-2 cups of TVP, the the ground stuff.
- 2 teaspoons of celery salt.
- 1 teaspoon of onion powder.
- 1 teaspoon of garlic powder.
- 1 teaspoon of tarragon.
- Ground pepper.
- 3 tablespoons of steak sauce.
- 1 tablespoon of Braggs liquid aminos, or soy sauce.
- 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce.
- 1 teaspoon of thyme.
You basically just toss all this in a pot, and let it simmer for about an hour.The longer you let it soak up the broth the more flavorful the TVP will be. Or so I believe. This could just be in my head, but let us just pretend it is factual. That works best for me. Once it is cooked, drain most if not of the remaining liquids and put aside the TVP.
American Chop Suey Ingredients
- 2 tablespoons of olive oil.
- one large onion, diced.
- 2 small to medium green peppers, chopped into one inch pieces.
- 1 tablespoon of minced garlic.
- 3 cans of diced tomatoes.
- 2 small cans of tomato sauce.
- 2 teaspoons of basil.
- 1 teaspoon of parsley.
- 2 teaspoons of oregano.
- Salt and pepper to taste.
- A box of pasta, macaroni or any other smaller pasta, cooked.
- The prepared TVP.
First, you will want to heat that oil up in a pan, then add the onion and pepper, cooking over medium heat, for around 7-8 minutes, till they soften but still have a bit if texture. Toss in the minced garlic and cook for another 2 minutes. You can stir occasionally unless you find this far too tiring on you.
Toss in the diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, and all the spices.Lower heat to between medium and low, stir a few times, and let it cook for 15 minutes.
While this is happening you can ice and rest you arm, as all that stirring probably tired you out.
Now, toss in the TVP, and stir – Again! Cook for 10 minutes, now toss in your pasta, toss well, and let this cook for another 10 minutes.
New Englanders like to top their American Chop Suey with either Worcestershire sauce, grated Parmesan, or a combination of both. So you can do that, too. If you want. No pressure.
“Do you love animals? Do you want to make a difference for the animals? Well, do you?! GO VEGAN!”
“Duh!”
That is basically the swaying argument you get from vegans when it comes to swaying people to their line of thinking. Okay, maybe it is a bit more than that.It is more like ” If you love animals, think meat is gross, want to lose weight, stop climate change, and just be super duper then you should GO VEGAN”
Join the vegan club, and we will save the animals!
It makes it seem as though going vegan is the only first step on your path to perfection, your first step or class, like your first year of animal rights college, in a sense. But, it HAS TO BE that way. No other way.
But is that really the way to go about things? I have kind of come to think of “GO VEGAN” as possibly the last step in a line that starts out somewhere far less than the full on 100% percent GO VEGAN club. At least, I kind of wish it was.
Personally, yes I would love everyone to suddenly just stop eating critters and using animals as fashion, and so on.I think, or maybe this is more wishful thinking by myself, but I kind of think that if you went through levels of animal rights awareness, you would eventually land up at a point where you are basically living a so-called vegan life. But, you might not.But even if you did not, you would have opened your mind to some aspects and possibly have done quite a lot of good, for a lot of animals that need that help desperately.
I just think if we started off somewhere else, instead of right off the bat advocating with “GO VEGAN” we could work getting a lot more done for the interest of animals. How many times has one heard ” I respect your choice, but I could never go vegetarian or vegan.”? But, when we simply discuss animal testing for cosmetics, animals held in zoos, and the use of animals in circuses, people are far more willing to not only listen, but generally come around to agreeing.
I think people working to end such awful practices of animal testing and objectifying animals through zoos and circuses can lead people to really consider the rights of animals in a way that actually can work to a good result. How many times have people been talked into agreeing about the horrors of factory farming for them to simply just start eating ” Happy meat”?
Who knows?
Maybe humans opening their eyes to those acts may make them rethink how they think about animals, and perhaps that path can take them ultimately to ” GO VEGAN”. But, maybe not. But the dogma and strictness of the Vegan argument is failing, and there needs to be a re-thinking. Many vegans would consider a person who helps end puppy mills, is opposed to zoos and animal testing, yet still eats animals as NOT VEGAN, and certainly not an animal rights advocate! No way, Jose!
But, who is actually doing more for animal rights? The outspoken vegan who makes sure every product he or she buys has no animal products but little more, or the cow eating person who has worked to end puppy mills, volunteers in animal shelters and works to end animal testing? Who is to judge who has been better advocate for animal rights?
Sure, if we were to rationalize it, everyone who supposedly loves animals (Not that love should matter) or cares about animal rights such as testing should or could probably lead them to being vegan. But, as others have said far better than I, that is not always how humans think, or needs to happen to see animal rights advocated.* They may not. Vegan dogma says that is wrong, that you cannot be an animal rights activist if you are not vegan, but I think vegan dogma be damned. I want to see the end of animal testing, the end of abusing animals as circus animals, and so on.Those are real targets and goals, and goals a whole heck of a lot more people can get behind easier than by simply becoming vegan.
I cannot stand when people tell others that going vegan is easy.It is not easy, not at all. Even if you instantly think it is the ethically superior ideal, it still is not so simple.There is a tide you are swimming against, through all the family habits and traditions, years of societal norms, through all the vegan woo, through all the bullshit.It is not only hard to become vegan, but it may be even harder to stay vegan. We see plenty of people drop from the ranks, don’t we?
I do not mind it being hard, as I think that can be the end result, or one of the side effects of becoming an animal rights advocate. I just see selling it as easy is surely going to lead to more failure than success when it comes to new people wanting to GO VEGAN.
Now, before a bunch of vegans come after me saying they have got to the same place, animal rights activism, by starting out as a part of the ” GO VEGAN” club…
…I know you have.That is great, it just seems that most do not. Many people will never go vegan let alone consider it.But many can agree that we do a whole lot of crappy things like animal testing and zoos, and maybe we should work from there, first.Who knows? Opening peoples eyes to one may lead to the other, too.
So, why not leave veganism as a possible end result?Instead of the first course at animal rights activism school being veganism, let it be where some will land up, in a sense graduate. Maybe not everyone will go in that direction, but that is just how it goes.
I could be completely wrong. I guess.
When I was a teen, way back in the early 1990s, when grunge was king and Bugle Boy clothes were popular, a time when t-shirts that changed color were popular, I was an overweight teen. Not just a little chubby, but about 260 pounds, on a 5 foot and 7 inches frame. That would be considered morbidly obese, I think.
High school is not an overly enjoyable experience when you are overweight. There is teasing, mocking, and the occasional punches to the back of your head in the hall while you hear someone call you a fatty. You are at an age that any difference from the norm seems to stick out even more to you, and kids have enough on their plate to create self-hate and poor esteem other than what their weight and body type is. So, it is can be a trying time, to say the least.
But, that is high school, right? People grow up, once you are an adult all that kind of bullshit goes away? People mature, right?
Wrong.
It just kind of changes or morphs from clear-cut mocking into a kind of concern trolling. Ah, yes, fat shaming That example of the concern trolling is based upon the silly notion that only veganism will bring you health, beauty, and the supposed perfect body!
But, it does not have to include veganism, there were these cruel billboards in Georgia. How lovely, posting large photos of children, and pointing out they are fat-fat-fatties. Thankfully they have been taken down. But, they were up
I do understand, by the way, that obesity is a problem in this country, and I would never suggest that being greatly overweight would be a wise choice to make. But, I am not really certain making overweight people feel like assholes is such a winning strategy. Actually, I am sure it is not. Personally, I tended to eat more when I felt bad about myself. Then, I would feel even worse about myself, including two (admittedly weak) attempts at suicide in my teen years.
Now that I am older, and I am more comfortable in my own skin. Yes. I lost most of that teenage weight, but my weight still can vary. I will always be a bit chubby, and I am okay with that.I am who I am, and so on. Now, the only time I am truly upset about my body, if my weight goes up or down, is simply because I will need to go and buy new pants. I hate pants shopping; pants shopping for me means trying to find pants short enough so that I do not look like I have drapery hiding my feet. But, that is a story for another time.
I am not some brilliant sage or wise person who can give great advice when it comes to how you should feel about your body. I do not even know if I would really want to, and I really do not know if why I lost or how I lost my weight originally would be a really good model. I am a boy, and I wanted a girlfriend, so I lost weight to be more attractive, or what is deemed attractive rather. That is hardly a great guide to lead anyone. I probably should have done it for myself, and I probably should not have starved myself or puked up what I ate to achieve that goal.
I still have moments when I have put on a few pounds where I have moments of self-doubt and disgust, and dark memories come flying back into my head. I do not think you can ever really get those kind of thoughts out of your head, completely.But, they are a rare occurrence.
I do not really know how I came to how I am today, how I take care of myself, or how I take care of myself for myself, and not because of what others may want or wish of me.Perhaps age, perhaps something else. But I think it is the proper way to be healthy. You choosing to be healthy, because you decided, for yourself, not others telling you to. Does that make sense? Again, I am not a master philosopher.
I just think fat shaming and mocking overweight people can lead those people you claim to care about to really unhealthy behavior, far worse than those extra pounds that person is carrying. We, as a people need to have a discussion over how we discuss weight and health, in a way that does not debase those with weight or health issues, but leads to good health, mentally, as well as physically.
As for the vegan fat shaming clique? Shush. I have grown tired of veganism being sold as the panacea of great health. Veganism can lead to as many unhealthy people as healthy people – just like omnivores.
Maybe, because I am an ethical vegan I am becoming bitter in seeing veganism being eroded and weakened by false cure-all claims proclaimed by health based vegans – from the all natural crowd to the all raw crowd, I dunno? Maybe. It is all just woo, and woo gets you nowhere.
Do not get me wrong, I do think health is important. I just keep health out of my veganism, and veganism out of my health.That may sound strange or perhaps contradictory, as a part of veganism is what you decide to eat, but not completely. Nor does veganism corner the market on being the only healthy way to eat, so lets keep them separated other than in the simple manner of eating healthier is probably a key to being healthy, and part of of a person’s choice. Does that make sense? Probably not.
There are people of all shapes and sizes in veganism. I like that, and I think you should, too. Besides, it makes veganism look less extreme or alternative in our society. There is way too much circulated cliche of the waif thin weak vegan. That stereotype needs to go.
Besides, if you are in it for the animals, why should it matter to you what size some other person’s waistline is. Not sure animal abuse is lessened by what size John Doe’s pant size is.
I have this novel idea, maybe you may think it is a good one, too. Instead of vegans concern trolling and mocking fat people they could maybe go out and do something for those whom they supposedly went vegan for in the first place, the animals? Perhaps volunteer in a shelter, adopt an animal, protest, etc.
Nah, lets just argue over pink slime and if that cupcake is too fattening.
Pink slime seems to be all the rage of late. Vegans seem to be pushing this as the latest reason why people would go vegan, or that in-fact this pink slime may actually encourage people to become vegan. That seems kinda of silly to me.
People who eat meat, who are disgusted by pink slime, will just eat other animal products that do not include pink slime.Not much of a victory for animal rights there, no?
Oh, but what about the horrors of pink slime?
Well, to me, the actual horror is not the pink slime, the horror is that there are dead animals in the pink slime.But, vegans seem to be making it all about the pink slime.
” Meat is gross, it has pink slime!”
Yet, vegans eat “gross” slime all the time, have they never seen how tofurky is made?*
Well, have a look at all that brown slime! Cover your children’s eyes!
There seems to be debate if pink slime is safe to eat, and if people should be avoiding it.So what if the pink slime is healthy, or not? Yes, I do not wish for people to be eating pink slime if they are dangerous, I do not wish ill of omnivores. But – that is not my first concern when it comes to the pink slime. I am , in-fact, not alarmed by the use of pink slime.It probably is no less or more healthy than any other meat product out on the market. I just do not care about the pink slime.
I would not eat pink slime because it has dead animals in it, not because it is pink slime.Besides, by using the pink slime, the meat industry is trying to use more of the animals they have slaughtered. What is worse, killing an animal and just using some of its flesh and guts, or in the very least not wasting any of the flesh and guts?
I guess you can make up your mind for yourself on that one. I just would rather there be no waste if there is going to be animal slaughter.
Stopping the production of pink slime is not going to save animals, there will not be any drop in killings of animals in slaughterhouses.A stoppage of pink slime usage just means less of a slaughtered cow will be used for food , nothing more.
But, I guess vegans can just keep obsessing over pink slime.
* Hat tip to @SkepticalVegan of the great Skeptical Vegan blog.
Long time no see.Kinda.Maybe, maybe not. Anyways, nice to see you again, I suppose. I wanna talk about something I keep close to my heart when it comes to cooking.Textured vegetable protein. It is kind of a favorite of mine. Both chunks and the smaller stuff.You agree? Good.
What is TVP? Well, despite what some may have you think, it is not created by black magic, but is actually made from high (50%) soy protein soy flour or concentrate.I could go into the whole fancy science-y talk about how they are made, or you could simply just go and have a look at the wiki page.
But, let me just say that Percy Lavonn Julian should be a hero to anyone who enjoys TVP.Hive fives, Mr. Julian.
It can be really useful, really affordable, and as you have probably noticed if you have read any of my prior posts using TVP, I use it quite a bit.I find it is best used if you do a bit more work than what the manufacturers suggest you do with it. Just adding it to hot water will not give it any added flavor, so whenever you have a chance to add flavor, you should. Right? Well, I would say so.
If you do listen to me, and you may want to, I try and make a bunch at a time, and then you can have some TVP chunks ready to go for whatever dish you wish to use them in. Or, you can just make some with water, and have bland TVP. Your choice, possibly lazy person.
My broths I make for TVP can vary, but they basically follow something along these lines.
TVP Broth Ingredients.
- 4 cups of veggie broth.
- 2 teaspoons of sage.
- 2 teaspoons of thyme.
- 2 tablespoons of poultry seasoning.
- A few dashes of salt.
- Fresh ground pepper.
- 1 tablespoon of celery salt.
- 2 teaspoons of rosemary.
- 2 teaspoons of paprika.
- 2 tablespoons of Braggs Liquid Aminos.
- 2-3 cups of dry TVP chunks.
Basically just put everything in a pot, or a large wok like I happened to use, and heat over low-medium heat. A gentle simmer is okay, but nothing too wild here , folks.
I let it cook till most of the liquid is gone, times can vary. Stir occasionally.
As for the B-B-Q Fried rice, I suppose I should get to that.
B-B-Q TVP Fried Rice Ingredients.
-Cooked brown rice, at least three cups.
- 1 small to medium yellow onion, chopped into one inch pieces.
- 1 good sized green pepper, chopped into one inch pieces.
- 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil.
- 4 tablespoons of barbecue sauce.
- 2 cups of TVP chunks, see above.
- Salt
- Pepper.
- Green onions diced. (optional)
Heat the vegetable oil in a pan, adding the green pepper and onion.Add some salt and pepper. Cook for about 5 minutes over medium/high heat, making sure not to burn.Lower heat to medium.Toss in the TVP chunks and barbeque sauce, stir, and cook for 3 minutes.Add the rice, mix well, and cook another 8 minutes.
Plate, and top with green onions, if you want.
When I was a small little boy, a bratty little boy, who enjoyed wearing bow ties, and dressing up on costumes, and running around, when I was that small little boy….
… My family and I would spend many a warm summer on the shoreline of Delaware and Maryland, and one of my youngest memories is eat crab cakes on the Delaware shores. I would eat my weight in them, possibly till I was sickly full, and needing a bathroom.I would drop their flaky crusts all over my face and self as I gorged on them.Oh, such fond summer memories I have.I wold skip and jump along the beach, my feet touching the refreshing salt water.Then, off to the local eateries, and their crab cakes.
This is a nice story isn’t it?
Well, it is completely false.None of it is even remotely true.I have never been to Delaware or Maryland, I do not think so anyways.I have never actually had a crab cake.Sea food was not a favorite of mine,other than if it was battered, deep fried, and drowned in ketchup and tartar sauce.But, you could probably batter and deep fry a book or old shoe and it would taste good.
So, I cannot say this is some crab cake mock version, other than the shape, kinda. I have seen plenty of chickpea-based mock crab cakes, including one at the great Vegan Dad’s . These may taste similar, I assume they do taste like many that can be found, as we are all using chickpeas.I cannot say that as I have no clue what a crab cake tastes like.
These are easy to make, and not very time consuming.I mean, if you have already cooking and rinsed your chickpeas, or are just using a can. ( you cheater!)
Chickpea Cakes Ingredients.
- 2 cups of chickpeas, cooked, rinsed, ready to go.
- 4 bay leaves.
- 1 teaspoon of ginger.
- 2 teaspoons of sage.
- 1/2 teaspoon of allspice.
- 3 teaspoons of seaweed flakes.You can find them in health food stores.
- 1 teaspoon of poultry seasoning.
- 2 teaspoon of sea salt.
- 1/2 teaspoon of cloves.
- 1 teaspoon of celery salt.
- 1 teaspoon of citric acid.
- 1 teaspoon of ground pepper.
- 2 teaspoons of smoked paprika.
- 1 teaspoon of cayenne.
- 1/2 cup of chopped yellow onion.
- 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil.
I ground all the spices in a mortar.That is kicking it old school, no? You could also use a coffee grinder, or some electronic gizmo, if you have one. I do not, as I do not have a coffee grinder as I am pretty sure I would rather drink a cup of mud and filth than coffee.
But, that is perhaps just me…
In your processor, process the chickpeas, but leave them chunky-ish.You do not want a puree, here.Plop that into a bowl, and mix in the spices mixture you made, as well as the chopped onions.I mixed it all together with my hands.You should as well, as it is fun.
Heat your pan up with the 3 tablespoons of oil. You wanted it heated over medium/high heat.Also, preheat your oven to 425 degrees.
Time to make the cakes.I used a biscuit cutter to shape mine.Now, they are going to be a big fragile, but I found that if you really squeeze them together when you are molding them helps. I made a basic shape, then used the biscuit cutter to get that hockey puck-like shape.
Now, as I said, they are fragile, so carefully add each cake to the hot oil with a spatula.Let them cook for 4 minutes, then flip and cook on other side for another 4 minutes.They should have a nice browned coating to them.Now, place them on a sprayed or oiled baking sheet and bake in the oven for ten minutes.
They should be somewhat tender, a bit fragile.So, in a sense, they are flaky, but in a chickpea flaky kind of way, not a I am flaky kind of way.
I topped mine with an easy sauce.A Lemon-Capers sauce.
Lemon Capers Sauce Ingredients.
- 4 tablespoons of Earth Balance.I used the sticks.
- 1 tablespoon of minced garlic.
- 2 tablespoons of lemon juice.
- 2 teaspoons of lemon zest.
- 2 tablespoons of capers.
Melt the butter over medium heat in a pan, or whatever vessel you plan on using, then add the remaining ingredients.Bring to a boil and let it slightly reduce.This should only really take a few minutes, or so.
Top your chickpea cakes with the lemon capers sauce and dream of those days you spent on the shores of the Chesapeake bay, even if you have never been there.Or, if you are sane and normal, just eat and enjoy them.
I have always wanted to go to New Orleans.No, not to bare my bare chest in hopes of getting lots of beads to wear around my head.Though, I would look rather ravishing with lots of beads wrapped around my neck.I think so anyways.Sure, that little spot in the world, perhaps in another time of the year, would be a great place to visit.Between The French Quarter and Bourbon street, I am sure it is quite a lot of fun.Maybe.
I have always wanted to go and see the creepy graveyards they have down there, and some other the more stranger sites. No, I loathe Ann Rice books, so don’t think that about me, please.I just think it would be fun.Sue me.
The region, the city, are not just known for their flashing bead seeking Mardi Gras party folk.They are also know for their Creole food.
Creole food is kind of like the mutt food genre. I do not say that to offend anyone from the area, and if you are offended, well stop being so sensitive. It just happens that Creole food is made up of a lot of other styles.French, African,Spanish,[1] Portuguese, Italian, Native American, and so on.
There is a difference between Cajun cooking and Creole cooking. That difference being something that someone with a better clue than I would be better at explaining.But, there are differences.Just take my word on it.
Remember in the 80s or 90s that cook that cooked Cajun and Creole food, and you needed a translator to understand him? His name escapes me, but he was like some kind of Creole Colonel Sanders of KFC fame.I am not making this up, and if I was not lazy I would go and find out who he was.Look, it takes moments out of my life to go and google something.
New Orleans seems like a pretty cool place, I guess. I am not payed by them to say as such, but it seems like it. From what I have seen, which is not all that much.Mainly just clips from the news and the few minutes a Girl Gone Wild infomercial popped onto my television. But, yeah, it looks alright.
Anyways, you could go and make this dish by just tossing the TVP chunks into the pot, but then you will lose out on some additional flavors in the end.So, be lazy, or actually care about what you are making for dinner.For once.Geeze.
Pickled TVP Ingredients.
- 2 cups of TVP chunks.
- 2 cups of water.
- 1 cup of apple cider vinegar.
- 1/4th a cup of kosher salt.
- 1 teaspoon of liquid smoke.
- 1 tablespoon of smoked paprika.
- 2 tablespoons of minced garlic.
- 2 tablespoons of brown sugar.
- 2 tablespoons of mustard seeds. Yellow ones.
- 2 teaspoons of black peppercorns.
- 1 teaspoon of celery seeds.
- 2 tablespoons of hot sauce.
- 1 teaspoon of juniper berries.
Okay, this is really simple. I swear.Ignore the long list of ingredients, and don’t be scared.Well, do not ignore them as then you will have no idea what to use.
Anywhooo, place everything in a pot, bring to a boil, and bring down to a simmer, and cook for about an hour.Normally, I like to cook tvp down til most liquid is gone, but not this time. Remove from stove, let cool, and then store in fridge for at least a day.
Yes, if you want the pickled TVP for your beans and rice you will have to wait a day or two. Life is cruel, sometimes.
Beans & Rice Ingredients.
- 1 yellow onion, chopped and diced.
- 1-2 green peppers, depending on size, chopped up.
- 4 stalks of celery, diced.
- 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil.
- Kosher salt.
- Ground Pepper.
- 3 tablespoons of minced garlic.
- 4 bay leaves.
- 2 teaspoons of thyme leaves.
- 1/4th a cup of hot sauce.
- 2 teaspoons of cayenne pepper.
- 8 cups of water.
- 3-4 cups of red kidney beans.Washed and cleaned.
- The TVP.
- 2 cups of Brown rice.
- 3 tablespoons of Earth Balance butter. I used the stick kind.
- Salt.
- 3 cups of water.
So, if you do not like heat, subtract some of the hot sauce, and/or cayenne. I was once like you, but I have seen the light, and I want heat.That light I saw being a flaming ball of fire.
In a large pot, heat up the oil over medium high heat. Once the oil is heated up, toss in the onions, peppers, and celery and cook for 7 minutes or so, then add the garlic and cook for another couple of minutes.Stir frequently or you will burn your garlic, and burnt garlic is horrific.Toss in the water, tvp*, beans, thyme, hot sauce, cayenne, and of course the beans. Turn the heat up to high, as high as the sky, and bring to a hard boil.Let it boil for 6 minutes, stirring every few moments.Lower the heat to a really low simmer, lid, and let it cook for an hour and 45 minutes.
*Oh, and before you toss in the TVP, make sure you it is just the chunks, without anything else.
Now, you can remove the lid, and bring the simmer up a little higher.The longer you cook on this simmer, the thicker your sauce will be.I went another 30 or so minutes.
During that time, you should cook your rice. You can use whatever rice you want, or use your own method. I used Alton Brown’s Rice method, as it seemed fairly easy, and I tend to sometimes mess up cooking rice. I know, terrifically sad.
Heat the butter up in a skillet, and bring the water to a boil in a pot. Once the butter is melted and kind of bubbling, toss in the rice, and kosher salt.Stir and cook for a few minutes, then pour in the boiling water.Cover with a lid and let it cook for about 25 minutes over medium low heat till the water has gone bye bye.
Plate some rice, top with some of the beans mixture, and there you have it.
See? Easy peasy.
I was going to write about the saffron-cashew rice I made as a side dish. I was. I really was. I swear.But, then a light bulb went off, or I just simply decided I would rather just sing the praise of my favorite thing in my kitchen.The Wok.
Now, now, please wait a moment. A pot about a wok, or THE WOK, does not have to be boring.Does it? Is it? Between preparing TVP chunks, to cooking tofu, to stir-fries, I find this wonderful piece of metal beyond useful.
You can even make that previously mentioned saffron-cashew fried rice in the wok, just so you know.
I do not know a lot of about the history of the wok, other than they are Asian, and probably very old.Did Marco Polo see them when he visited the region? No idea. I think he may have missed them, or kept it to himself if he did see one.No real surprise there. Can you imagine you being the only person around with a wok?You would have everyone over bothering you to borrow it and use it. No thanks.I will keep my wok to myself, thank you very much.
I feel kind of wrong even posting that photo up there of my wok, with all these strangers looking at my wok. Kind of creepy.
I just have to say, I love my wok. You should love your wok, everyone should love their woks. Wok on, etc, etc.
I should really quit with the horrible puns, but I just can’t seem to wok away from them.
Saffron Cashew Fried Rice Ingredients.
- 3 cups of cooked rice.I used basmati.
- 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil.
- 2 good pinches of saffron.
- 3/4 cup of cashews.Roughly chopped.Non-roasted, and soaked in water for an hour.
- 1 cup of frozen peas.
The following list of spices should be ground,and combined.
- 2 teaspoons of cinnamon.
- 1/2 a teaspoon of allspice.
- 1 teaspoon of nutmeg.
- 1 teaspoon of cumin.
- 1 teaspoon of black peppercorn.
- 1 teaspoon of thyme leaves.
- 1 teaspoon of kosher salt.
- 1 teaspoon of cloves.
Combine the spices, grind them, and toast in a pan over medium /high heat for 60 seconds, and then put aside.
Pour the oil into your wok, and heat over medium/high heat.Once it is heated up, add the cooked rice, cashews, and peas. Cook, and stir for several minutes.Now add in the saffron, stirring it in, and cooking for another few minutes. Mix in a tablespoon of the previously mentioned spice combination. Add in salt and pepper to taste.
Now, you probably would like to know about the tofu that is topping the rice.Well, maybe you are not, but I am going to talk about it anyways.Take that, society!
I like to freeze my tofu, then let it thaw out. Press the tofu for a couple hours, then freeze it. So, then the next day, let it thaw.We will start from there.
Tofu Marinade.
- 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar.
- 2 tablespoons of Braggs Liquid Aminos.
- Teaspoon of kosher salt.
- teaspoon of pepper.
- 2 teaspoons of poultry seasoning.
- 1 teaspoon of cumin.
- 1 teaspoon of cilantro.
Combine all the ingredients in a bowl.Yes, a bowl.I like bowls. You like bowls. We all like bowls.Put this bowl aside.
Heat your wok or pan , only over low heat.No oil, please.Cut your tofu up in whatever shape you want.Now, as you will have limited room, unless you have a mega-wok, you will have to cook a few at a time.Place several pieces of the tofu in the wok, and cook, pressing down occasionally with a spatula.You will see some water come out of the tofu when you do this.That is good.
Once you see a golden tone to the tofu, flip them, and repeat the same. Remember, this is over low heat, and will take more then a few minutes on each side.Dry-frying tofu allowed for a better marinade, duh!
Okay, you have cooked them all?
Place them in the marinade, making sure they are all covered.Let this sit for an hour.
Now, you may use some oil. I would say a couple tablespoons, heated in your wok over medium/high heat.Cook the tofu for a few minutes on each side, they will cook up fairly fast.
There, you have made some stuff in a wok, other than just a stir-fry.I have faith you will not fuck it up.Maybe I am being kind.But anyways, you just made some tasty food.Now, you must be feeling special? No? Yes?
You may be special, I do not know. I have found that parents have often lied to their children about being special.Well, I think you are special, if that matters. I do.
I may be lying.